What do you think about when you're meant to be sleeping?

I'm so epically bored, which is legit such a bad thing. I'm sitting here, pretty much nude and unsettled.

I'm having this reoccurring problem, where I don't know what to think about at night. I've been through constant phases of what's best to think about and what just comes naturally. I remember when I was little, I used to think about tv storylines, or plots of movies, only except instead of the good guys always winning, I thought about how shit would play out if the evil conquered. If Scar didn't die in Lion King and Mufusa had to deal or if Alice never left Wonderland, if Peter was forever caught by Hook. It was fun at the time.

Then I grew up and all I thought about at night was sex. Slash boys obviously. I didn't like to linger on things, but I just loved the thought. "What would my wedding be like? How might my day play out tomorrow when I get a chance to talk to insert multiple boys I'm in love with." But now with Eth, I really can't think of those things. I mean, I honestly see myself marrying him and if I thought about what its going to be like every time I'm with him.. I think I'd ruin his novelty. It's easier to just go with it, not dwell on the mean comments.

For a while I thought about how much I hate this girl, Ergle. She loves Ethan. He used to work with her, nearly 6 months ago now.. And she's in love with his charm. I hate her. I hate that he likes her back. I hate, more than anything, that sometimes he speaks to her instead of me. I hate that when I ignore him, although in the long run it brings him close, for the instantaneous moment, he goes to her. She is how he is to me. It's good, but I know the power of having someone like that whipped on a string.. It can be overpowering. I just.. I'm jealous as fuck. Jealous of everything they have. I hate it.

So I hate thinking about that ^. I feel stupid and sometimes find it hard to face him if I've thought about it too much.

Sometimes.. I like thinking about the past. The way I felt when I was skiing down Towers for the first time without falling. Those physics classes next to the extraordinarily buff South African, Jacobus Jahanas. Christmas in Mt Isa under the tree..

But also sometimes, thinking about those things makes me sad. Real sad. Time wasting sad. Time wasting on blogger instead of living this life out. Why aren't I in France taking pictures? Or applying makeup to attend the wankiest ball in all the land? Or siting on the curb in NY wondering who's doing the same thing? I don't get it. I'm so excited to live you know? It's incredible. I've wasted so much time already.. And no offense, but my parents just hold me back so much more. I'm not living. I'm just breathing. It's a piece of shit it is.

Anyway, the subject of sleep got lost somewhere in this. I have insomnia, that was all I really wanted to say. I also talk to much.

So easy to criticize, hard to compliment on this thing.

I just want to sleep.

Note: Get this as a tattoo please.

Also, maybe do it yourself. Wouldn't be that hard.

cootiepie

how could you not?!

My boyfi

Ethan's house is really hot in the summer, but the light filters into the kitchen as though everything in the world is beautiful. The dust that comes from the kitchen table when I move uncontrollable piles of letters, paintings, plates, etc just lingers in the air, caught in between light and gravity. It's as though everything stops and has no real meaning when inside his walls. You know what's so much cuter? They don't see it.

Eth's dad doesn't understand that his silence and cassette player make their family so strange. The fact that he's into I.T and yet fights his kids to get what he wants? They legit intrigue me.

When Eth messages me on facebook I honestly am interested in what he has to say. It happens so much, that those few times I'm disappointed, are forgotten.

I'm saying this stuff ^^ to remind myself why I love him so much. I'm at this point again; 5 months of a relationship, going to Mt Isa in the holidays... It's my ex-boyfriend all over again. This is that crucial moment where I have to man up and realise, he still loves me even though he doesn't say every second. He still thinks about me even if its not that longing death he used to experience. Even though he's not keen to flirt anymore, even though he says something mean every now and again and doesn't care about watch what he says.. He doesn't hang on my every word like he used to, but he still loves me.

I expect everyone to love me every second. That's why I cheat. It's the shittest quality ever. I'm going to sacrifice a lot for Ethan though. If I don't, I'll never know if we're something real or not. I'm making such an effort... I hope he sees it.

It's a joke how much I love him.

Sorry for wasting your time with shit words. My bad.

Charles - x