What do you think about when you're meant to be sleeping?

I'm so epically bored, which is legit such a bad thing. I'm sitting here, pretty much nude and unsettled.

I'm having this reoccurring problem, where I don't know what to think about at night. I've been through constant phases of what's best to think about and what just comes naturally. I remember when I was little, I used to think about tv storylines, or plots of movies, only except instead of the good guys always winning, I thought about how shit would play out if the evil conquered. If Scar didn't die in Lion King and Mufusa had to deal or if Alice never left Wonderland, if Peter was forever caught by Hook. It was fun at the time.

Then I grew up and all I thought about at night was sex. Slash boys obviously. I didn't like to linger on things, but I just loved the thought. "What would my wedding be like? How might my day play out tomorrow when I get a chance to talk to insert multiple boys I'm in love with." But now with Eth, I really can't think of those things. I mean, I honestly see myself marrying him and if I thought about what its going to be like every time I'm with him.. I think I'd ruin his novelty. It's easier to just go with it, not dwell on the mean comments.

For a while I thought about how much I hate this girl, Ergle. She loves Ethan. He used to work with her, nearly 6 months ago now.. And she's in love with his charm. I hate her. I hate that he likes her back. I hate, more than anything, that sometimes he speaks to her instead of me. I hate that when I ignore him, although in the long run it brings him close, for the instantaneous moment, he goes to her. She is how he is to me. It's good, but I know the power of having someone like that whipped on a string.. It can be overpowering. I just.. I'm jealous as fuck. Jealous of everything they have. I hate it.

So I hate thinking about that ^. I feel stupid and sometimes find it hard to face him if I've thought about it too much.

Sometimes.. I like thinking about the past. The way I felt when I was skiing down Towers for the first time without falling. Those physics classes next to the extraordinarily buff South African, Jacobus Jahanas. Christmas in Mt Isa under the tree..

But also sometimes, thinking about those things makes me sad. Real sad. Time wasting sad. Time wasting on blogger instead of living this life out. Why aren't I in France taking pictures? Or applying makeup to attend the wankiest ball in all the land? Or siting on the curb in NY wondering who's doing the same thing? I don't get it. I'm so excited to live you know? It's incredible. I've wasted so much time already.. And no offense, but my parents just hold me back so much more. I'm not living. I'm just breathing. It's a piece of shit it is.

Anyway, the subject of sleep got lost somewhere in this. I have insomnia, that was all I really wanted to say. I also talk to much.

So easy to criticize, hard to compliment on this thing.

I just want to sleep.