ponders

Isn't it funny how time passes?

Sometimes, it can pass all in your mind. That's one of those times when it feels like you're doing things, like you're being productive, but because thoughts don't finish things.. Nothing is actually getting done. Is this time wasted?

Sometimes, aka sleeping, it passes with just consciousness. There's nothing behind the eyes just pure existence. Waste?

Is there such thing as wasting time? Its scary to think there is.. I've got this experiment/line of thought where you don't bring a watch anywhere. You don't bring a phone or an ipod or a watch. I'm going to do it in China purely because that's the only place I can see it happening. It's unpractical, but yet so practical. It means no time frames, no pressures.. Nothing that needs doing, just existence.

Thoughts like this make life interesting as fuck.
Charles

Progress step 1.

haha, shaved my legs for the first time since the incident. weeeooooo good day !!

I legitimately look like this:

right..? lol no; wrong retard.

Yeah so I was wrong about him. I was wrong in every way. That's why it hurts so much..

All our photos together, all our "funny" times. He just loved being with a hot chick. I was hot. I am hot. I mean, people want to be with me for no reason. Because I'm hot and fun and I make everyone look good.
For him, I'm the best person on his record by far.. And I'm now the dumb slut that just cheated on him.

But like, I'm destined for such a bigger better world. I love the world and everything in it. I love people and art and music and life. I'm interested in everything and I mean truly interested. I waste time with everyone because I honestly think everyone is interesting.. Eth though, he doesn't think about anything. I thought he was interesting, I thought he was MORE than interesting, but in actual fact that's just me playing on me.

I've never really liked someone and had a thing with them.. Eth was my first. My first to stay after one night, the first to want my high status and looks, the first to lie blankly to my face and say I was funny / cool / interesting. He told the truth when he said I was hot / beautiful / pretty. Those were the truth. Because that's why he was with me. It breaks me to realise, but I definitely realise.

Awesome. Moving on time please. I'm going to do so much more with my life, like wow.

a day in progress.

Ethan talked to me today. Holy mother ! That's the greatest thing I could have asked for.. right?

He asked about my weekend, told me about his.. I told him about a cool ipod game I'm in love with lately and he said he honestly didn't care.

Some things he says makes it out that he's still really angry. That he's actually talking to me out of spite and at any moment he'll just crack and block me on facebook. Cutting off my one way to talk to him ever.. That'd break me, but it'd probably help in the long run. In my head he's only acting like this because of everything that's happened.. but irl, he always acts like this.

It was only a matter of time before we broke up. I mean, I'm going to uni and I'm such a fun person. Legit I'm in my prime of adorability. I shouldn't be looking back on him. I should be just pretending that I'm single again.. as though I've always been single. Pretend the whole thing was just another year of life. It's harder than usual though. Like an actual part of me has died? Like a void in my chest is gaping and pushing air out of my lungs too quickly.

I thought it would last longer.
I thought we'd just grow apart in the end.
I thought we'd get married.

I thought we were a 'we' forever at least.

Now It's a me. And a him. And we're dealing with things so epically different.
I wonder what he's thinking about a lot.. I wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do. If he goes to my profile for no reason like I do to his. I wonder if he notices that I've changed my display picture to that picture he loves, or if he's read my statuses about how much my life has sucked lately. I wonder if he gets it, at all. If he's been going over and over our conversations. If he wishes he could see me. If he knows that I imagine the first time I see him and I just cry. I don't say words, I just cry. I wonder if he knows any of that.. Or if he is doing something else..

My worst thought is if he's sitting in bed, thinking about how much he hates me. How much better off he is without me. How there are a billion girls that would happily take him but he loved me.. I wonder if he's angry at himself for falling for me. For wasting his time. Do you think he gets angrier that I keep talking to him? Or does it make him ridiculously happy like it does for me?

I wish I knew.

I wish I could've asked him even when we were together. But I couldn't of.. Maybe there is no depth to this guy. Maybe he doesn't think about everything the way I do. Maybe he doesn't want to talk, because talking bores him. But what does he expect me to do?! What am I doing?!

I think I'm angry at myself for getting caught. For how it all went down.. Not actually for doing it. I'm the worse person in the world. Life still sucks.

And it's been 2 and a half weeks.