a day in progress.

Ethan talked to me today. Holy mother ! That's the greatest thing I could have asked for.. right?

He asked about my weekend, told me about his.. I told him about a cool ipod game I'm in love with lately and he said he honestly didn't care.

Some things he says makes it out that he's still really angry. That he's actually talking to me out of spite and at any moment he'll just crack and block me on facebook. Cutting off my one way to talk to him ever.. That'd break me, but it'd probably help in the long run. In my head he's only acting like this because of everything that's happened.. but irl, he always acts like this.

It was only a matter of time before we broke up. I mean, I'm going to uni and I'm such a fun person. Legit I'm in my prime of adorability. I shouldn't be looking back on him. I should be just pretending that I'm single again.. as though I've always been single. Pretend the whole thing was just another year of life. It's harder than usual though. Like an actual part of me has died? Like a void in my chest is gaping and pushing air out of my lungs too quickly.

I thought it would last longer.
I thought we'd just grow apart in the end.
I thought we'd get married.

I thought we were a 'we' forever at least.

Now It's a me. And a him. And we're dealing with things so epically different.
I wonder what he's thinking about a lot.. I wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do. If he goes to my profile for no reason like I do to his. I wonder if he notices that I've changed my display picture to that picture he loves, or if he's read my statuses about how much my life has sucked lately. I wonder if he gets it, at all. If he's been going over and over our conversations. If he wishes he could see me. If he knows that I imagine the first time I see him and I just cry. I don't say words, I just cry. I wonder if he knows any of that.. Or if he is doing something else..

My worst thought is if he's sitting in bed, thinking about how much he hates me. How much better off he is without me. How there are a billion girls that would happily take him but he loved me.. I wonder if he's angry at himself for falling for me. For wasting his time. Do you think he gets angrier that I keep talking to him? Or does it make him ridiculously happy like it does for me?

I wish I knew.

I wish I could've asked him even when we were together. But I couldn't of.. Maybe there is no depth to this guy. Maybe he doesn't think about everything the way I do. Maybe he doesn't want to talk, because talking bores him. But what does he expect me to do?! What am I doing?!

I think I'm angry at myself for getting caught. For how it all went down.. Not actually for doing it. I'm the worse person in the world. Life still sucks.

And it's been 2 and a half weeks.