wot.

okay i've got 25 minutes to tell you how i feel.

i don't think this feeling can ever be remembered, so like the purpose of even putting this shit into words is a little redundant. but whatever.

Ethan just broke up with me. And I'm happy. I'm happy that he had the balls to do it.  / I'm sad that Ethan COULD just break up with me. Because he found out I cheated on him through my phone. He's sitting next to me, loving me. And he just picks up my phone to a big message being like: your girlfriend is cheating on you. awkward. He must feel ridiculously hurt. I can't even imagine that shit. But here's why I did it.

When I was away, Ethan didn't talk to me. Eth didn't write cute letters, he didn't get a phone so I could text him cute things, we didn't fucking talk. And like cool that we aren't all: "how was your day? what'd you have for breakfast?" sort of people, but still I needed something to say I was with a great guy. Cause eventually, I stopped thinking he was a great guy. I stopped trying to talk to him, stopped telling him things I think he'd appreciate. Stopped being like, I have a boyfriend and starting saying things like: "we're going to break up with I go back." I slept with a black guy. I slept with my best friend. Clearly I didn't love Eth anymore. I just felt too shit to tell him that way. I felt to shit to be like, ps we're breaking up because I've already gone through the breakup. I knew what I was doing the whole time. And at the same time.. I think he should be the one trying to get me back? wtf is wrong with me.

He should feel bad that he didn't treat me properly. He should understand that I clearly can't love someone that gives me nothing to work with. I wish HE could see how much pain I've already been in and how much more this shit is putting me through. I wish he could see it all. But I know that all he sees is a shitty bitch that threw him around. It's just cause I wasn't open about it. It's just because I didn't tell him how I felt the whole time.. Still I thought he thought I was different. I thought he thought that I was the one person that was worth everything. I can't believe he could jsut stop it without like.. talking?

Idk I feel fucking weird. Like sad and happy at the same time. Like absolutely dog, but in the right? Like I should say something, but making any thing of this would be worse the people involved.

As though.. the obviously conclusion of this post is the end of everything I ever want to say about it. I've already like rebounded and moved on.. but he's just breaking up with me now. Maybe I'm just okay with it all and that's why I feel so bad. Idefk.

I saw this coming, obviously so much more than he did. obviously. But yet I still feel shit. Really shit. I still feel like legit shit on a stick. I think I feel like that because I'm scared of what people are going to think of me.