Remember Mt Isa? Everyday I would say.. okay don't talk to Ethan. Just like, don't do it. How hard can it be?

Loool, didn't even go one day. Now here I am, fucking pouring my heart out again and again.. and he's legit jsut ignoring. He's not blocking me, so its not annoying him. He's not saying anything ! It's legit frustrating that he can just do that, and me, who have always wanted to just fucking not give any fucks.. can't do shit but keep going abck to him. Wow I suck at life.

//rant.

laughter is the best medicine.

The green side fucker.

Last night was the first night I haven't cried ! I'm so excited to say I'm moving on.. I know that sucks, but it sucks. Life sucks, always does. I just need to smile it off, need to actually feel it lifting.. You know? I can be productive now I know that its lifting.. The heavy as fuck feeling I first had. The constant replay of moments, good and bad. It was shit, but now its better. And that slither of bright hope has given me all I need.

I'm a 7. I know what's fucking up. :).

So no one mentioned this..

Like step 4 of a break up is to move on.. WHY THE FUCK HAVE I NEVER READ THROUGH E'S AND MY CONVERSATIONS?!

Eamonn is my husband. As if I wouldn't read through that shit to make myself feel better.. HE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. And that shits not in my head. Holy fuck.. I didn't make a mistake by kissing him.. I made a mistake by dating Ethan. What the fuck am I doing?! Thank fuck Eth found out. Makes it easier for later. E's my boiiii <3

lil' E.

I talked to E tonight. And holy wow, I do love him at the moment. You know what's helping me get over Ethan? Thinking about worse things that could happen.. Like if E hated me. I'd die. If Eamonn hated me, it'd be like going through a divorce. It'd never be okay. If I don't get married with E.. Or at least introduce him to my kids, if my kids aren't his kids.

Its stupid to think like that ^^ because like Zachary used to say way back when Eth and I were celebrating our 1 month lol.
Z: "Charli, you know you're going to date so many more boys than just Ethan. You're going to meet a million people and probably love half of them.. Who even knows? We might.."
C: "Zac I think we're going to date. Of course, you're ridiculously attractive."
:). He was real cool. I'm always going to wonder about him.. So intelligent, but so misled? I liked him a lot.

But yeah, E's in China. Living life it feels like.. I can't wait to be there with him. I legit nearly booked flights tonight. I could go without food and clothes if it meant I could see him in July. There is real love with us. Maybe its because it's been there for so long.. 3 years kicking now. And I'm still his girl? Like how'd I pull that shit off?

How have I been to his house a million times and only kissed him twice? How have I been invited into the city group and not thought it was weird? Like how did I accept that first time?! Srsly. That's fucked. How have we been together without ever getting together? Why do I miss him so much?

I know I was definitely the one that started saying we were best friends. I was the one that confessed and confided so many things to him. I'm also the one that laughed harder than anyone else at his jokes. I was the one that kept them going too and remembered them. I was the one that kept saying that we know each other so well, even if maybe at that moment we didn't know shit. I was the one that kept us solid metaphorically and therefore literally. And he's the one that's been the most loyal person since forever. He's the one that's forgiven me for paying him out or punching him or cock blocking. He's the one that goes with me when I just babble about legit shit. He was the one I could cry in front of on the last Thursday of school. He's the one that understands my love for China.

I've opened up to him more than anyone, ever. And I mean ever.

Maybe I just really miss him? Probs. He's the greatest guy everevereverever.

vent yo /

I don't think I've found the perfect person. I tell him things like.. I'm not letting go. I be an arsehole and say I can't believe he did let go. You know what's the hardest about this break up? I'm not used to people not liking me. I'm used to them wanting more than anything to have me. Ethan was never like that. Obviously why I was attracted to him.

An Italian asked me out today on a napkin. It was sweet, seriously was. But I can't look at other guys yet. Or can I? Can I just say a massive fuck you to Ethan for letting me go? <--- that's just so mean because I was the one that screwed up. Idk what to do. / how to proceed.

Eth talked to me yesterday for once. I told him that I can't believe he's letting it end. And that obviously I felt so much more for him than he did for me. Which I already thought. Already knew. But at the same time when he'd say ily, it was like he'd never said something so strong before. I had though. And I knew that when I said it, like I could cry. I was so emotionally connected to him, just saying i love you was like overwhelming. Shit it was bad. I was so whipped. And the worst part?! The fucking worst part... I think half of it's in my head. I think probably 70% of it is in my head. If I was look objectively, Eth is not the person for me. Like obviously !

At school it was so obvious.. Realife it's so obvious.

ps, i almost typed this to him:

eth, i have a feeling you're going to delete me or something and dude fair enough. i feel really shit. i've been the honest shittest person.. and you've been nothing but solid. i can't even say i'm sorry enough times. but i'm sorry you found out like that and i wasn't who you thought i was. i was going to break up with you anyway, because you deserve way better, clears.

i feel like we already broke up in mt isa. like we didn't talk, ever. and you ignored pretty much every thing i said to you and like, i forgot what it was like to really really love you. oh man, i cried so much over you not being there hey.. and then like you wouldn't even talk to me, it's like you didn't even miss me. sorry, its the shittest thing ever and like thank you for breaking up with me because i deserve nothing other than this like ridiculously shit feeling.

i'm going to miss you. like the friendship you know?eth, i have a feeling you're going to delete me or something and dude fair enough. i feel really shit. i've been the honest shittest person.. and you've been nothing but solid. i can't even say i'm sorry enough times. but i'm sorry you found out like that and i wasn't who you thought i was. i was going to break up with you anyway, because you deserve way better, clears.

i feel like we already broke up in mt isa. like we didn't talk, ever. and you ignored pretty much every thing i said to you and like, i forgot what it was like to really really love you. oh man, i cried so much over you not being there hey.. and then like you wouldn't even talk to me, it's like you didn't even miss me. sorry, its the shittest thing ever and like thank you for breaking up with me because i deserve nothing other than this like ridiculously shit feeling.

i'm going to miss you. like the friendship you know?

wot.

okay i've got 25 minutes to tell you how i feel.

i don't think this feeling can ever be remembered, so like the purpose of even putting this shit into words is a little redundant. but whatever.

Ethan just broke up with me. And I'm happy. I'm happy that he had the balls to do it.  / I'm sad that Ethan COULD just break up with me. Because he found out I cheated on him through my phone. He's sitting next to me, loving me. And he just picks up my phone to a big message being like: your girlfriend is cheating on you. awkward. He must feel ridiculously hurt. I can't even imagine that shit. But here's why I did it.

When I was away, Ethan didn't talk to me. Eth didn't write cute letters, he didn't get a phone so I could text him cute things, we didn't fucking talk. And like cool that we aren't all: "how was your day? what'd you have for breakfast?" sort of people, but still I needed something to say I was with a great guy. Cause eventually, I stopped thinking he was a great guy. I stopped trying to talk to him, stopped telling him things I think he'd appreciate. Stopped being like, I have a boyfriend and starting saying things like: "we're going to break up with I go back." I slept with a black guy. I slept with my best friend. Clearly I didn't love Eth anymore. I just felt too shit to tell him that way. I felt to shit to be like, ps we're breaking up because I've already gone through the breakup. I knew what I was doing the whole time. And at the same time.. I think he should be the one trying to get me back? wtf is wrong with me.

He should feel bad that he didn't treat me properly. He should understand that I clearly can't love someone that gives me nothing to work with. I wish HE could see how much pain I've already been in and how much more this shit is putting me through. I wish he could see it all. But I know that all he sees is a shitty bitch that threw him around. It's just cause I wasn't open about it. It's just because I didn't tell him how I felt the whole time.. Still I thought he thought I was different. I thought he thought that I was the one person that was worth everything. I can't believe he could jsut stop it without like.. talking?

Idk I feel fucking weird. Like sad and happy at the same time. Like absolutely dog, but in the right? Like I should say something, but making any thing of this would be worse the people involved.

As though.. the obviously conclusion of this post is the end of everything I ever want to say about it. I've already like rebounded and moved on.. but he's just breaking up with me now. Maybe I'm just okay with it all and that's why I feel so bad. Idefk.

I saw this coming, obviously so much more than he did. obviously. But yet I still feel shit. Really shit. I still feel like legit shit on a stick. I think I feel like that because I'm scared of what people are going to think of me.