//cry.

I want E to be here. I just want to talk to him face to face, I want to see how he acts when I act pretty. And I want to lie next to him and do nothing. I want to meet these people he's talking about and go shopping and help him do his class prep. I want to punch him in the shoulder and make every face instantly. I want to get naked at night and joke with him. I want to actually laugh at his jokes instead of laughing too loudly just so the webcam can pick it up. I don't want to be on my bed, by myself, when the boy I'm going to marry is on the other side of the world wishing he was here. I only needed to be there for 2 weeks.. 1 day would've done it. I would've been right for a while. But I'm not right just yet. And I'm not going to be alright with just skype. I want him right now. And for a long time. Wah.

This song is getting me through, cause it's beautiful and doesn't remind me of him.

I've never felt so lonely.

I'm literally so angry, I'm crying.

adequate.

I had a really nice encounter today. I guy on the bus, did the smile exchange as random strangers and left the bus remaining as stranger.. But about 20m up Adelaide St this guy yelled out to me.
"Excuse me?"
..."Hey."
"I just wanted to tell you, I think you're really beautiful."
"... Oh wow, thankyou."
"Honestly, I think you're gorgeous. How's your day been so far?"
"Haha, um really good. I'm presenting a speech in like an hour about anthropology."
"Wow! Um, good luck. I'm Sean by the way."
"Charli."

A lingering handshake.

"I'll see round Sean... I ah, work at the bakery there in Bardon."
"Cool, see you round."

I walked off, got half way across the lights and thought I owed it to him to turn back around. As silently promised he was looking after me, and waved. I waved back with my hand tucked into the sleeve of my jumper.

It was just nice to be told that by a stranger. And to know that other people are in the world that think its acceptable to go up to people like that. I just like that feeling.

what i'm thinking about

So cheated on my facebook rule and I've already done nothing tonight.. Real cure there.

I've downloaded a bunch of Simple Plan. They're literally my childhood CD/I used to listen to number 2 - Welcome to my life and number 11 - Untitled (How could you do this to me?) like literally 6000 times each. I used to make the CD jump to just those 2 songs before I realised I loved every song. Aha.

I'm thinking about Ethan, which I probably shouldn't be. I'm obviously way past crying and all that jazz, I just wonder about certain moments, like why they happened. Once on schoolies I remember just crying at night. I'm wondering now if it was because I was so happy? Or so unhappy.. But I can't see why. I felt unhappy though. Eth was nice about it, all he wanted to know was what was wrong and all I said was, "Let's not have sex tonight." .. What was that about?

Then I also remember Eth getting a hard on one lunchtime and using it as a trick to give me a wedgie. I remember it though.. Maybe Eth was purely my first relationship, maybe I really didn't like him? I was never really comfortable around him tbh. I made shit normal because that's what I do, but was I ever actually comfortable? Was I actually just suffocating in a relationship that I knew should've been perfect, but for some reason wasn't? Such a strange 6 months of my life.

And I mean, it will always be remembered. The only things that you really remember in your life is:

Boyfriends
Education/Work
Travel

That's the things you tell people straight up. Therefore if you skip on any of those things you have less to say than other people, and you sound boring. Which is clearly my biggest fear. I really want this China trip to go ahead and I hate the thought that it might not..

I"M BUYING RODEO TICKETS IN THE MORN. THANK YOU JESUS <3

lol that moment you realise you're better than everyone.

the dreams of afternoon dozes.

You know how in dreams you don't know what order things are in, just that they all happened?

Well here's some things that happened in my dream this afternoon that I honestly didn't plan:

• A dimly lit classroom, with an oldschool blackboard on wheels, a quirky lady in front of it with ringlet curls tied back tight with a headband. We were listening to music and the funny lady at the front of the classroom said, "Find the beat to this song." Everyone started tapping on their chairs. That's when I realised I was sitting on floor, tapping a wooden table. I stood up to sink into a deep one person couch. It had arm-rests as big as my body! Suddenly a man came up to me, I said, "I don't think I take this class, I must be in the wrong room." He said, "You're in a dream, you can be in whatever classroom you want."
• Suddenly I was sexually attracted to him, but I still don't recognise him - meaning in present time I can see his face and don't recognise him. I went to meet him, feeling on top of everything as though I was allowed to do whatever I want and imagine anything and everything. I had to walk across this huge bridge with flowers and flowing water and arches. I felt like I'd created it our of nothing nearly.. As soon as I got to the other side of the bridge the man approached me and told me I could do anything. There were other people there, watching us but with approval of me. We kissed and he said, "I really don't want you. You need me." I said, "You're joking." But we both knew he wasn't. I went down to give him a gobby... I know, weird hey. But I don't remember actually doing it.
• Then I was reading a book in the back of the toyota we had when I was little. 595DPC was the number plate. Now every time I read something, it became real. I read the story that was unfolding and there was a twist coming, I could tell. I remember seeing a magic horse that was at the start, just waiting to come and become part of the twist. As though I was looking through to the future events because although I hadn't read the words yet, we could see more area than the book revealed. As though you saw a character that wasn't mentioned until Chapter 5.

It was amazing. And it all happened in nap after I'd just finished reading my Anthro book.

I finished my list sort of. Took me like 2 hours to organise my Art History shit. But its done now and I'm going to sleep to hit up my imagination again. Cheers g. x

Oh my lord.

Omg. The reason I faield my first assignment?! I didn't print out all the pages.. What the fuck. I'm so angry, wow. Whatta freak.

Raging again. Never letting this happen again.

A random day, but a list of things I'm going to do that day. Aka the day in question is tomorrow.

Order of actually completing the tasks, not preference, the next one can not be done until the one before it has finished. Cool?

Wake up/get up at 9am
Make breakfast, we have eggs and milk and cordial and nutella and bread. Do something with these things.
Tidy room - not desk. Just floor etc.
Read chapter 21 in Anthropology textbook.
Make and eat a sandwich. While doing static stretches.
Read again and take notes of key topics.
Listen to Art History recordings that were meant to be done last week.
Organise Art History Readings to start from reading one.
Print out all the follow up questions on the readings.
Heat up some leftovers / put wedges on.
Look over lessons 2-6 in Book2 of Chinese.
If tired, sleep.
If not? Write out the words you don't really remember with tones and meanings
Read the dialogues.
If tired, sleep.
If not? Probably sleep you'll be dying.

Good, now do it.

a weekend catchup and a philosophical bs

I told my mum I would've liked to have saved $2000 by July this year. It's now May, and I've got $2300. I want to go to China. I want to go there right now. Not even joking I could be there in 3 weeks and be nothing but legit blissful happy. I want to talk to E, it's been like a week and a bit and that's a week and a bit too long.

On a different note, you know when you're first day grade 8 and everyone's been telling you for your whole life that high school is the greatest years of your life and that once you're finished all you'll want to do is be back there? Well on that first day, all you want to do is remember everything that happens to you. You start a diary, you take 3000 photos, you make sure you remember faces and names and teachers. You are so keen to remember everything because its meant to be the greatest thing you've ever done.

I think I've changed my outlook on that recently. High school's not the best thing you've ever done.. It's actually too easy for our brains. So, lets say a teenage brain is capable of the mythical measurement of 100. High school challenges maybe to 50, which allows so much more time for fun and thinking. The reason you don't love university MORE than high school is because obviously it challenges to an 100 level. And although we've been capable since the teens, we're now not particularly prepared for an actual challenge. So I understand why high school was ridiculously fun and I can't say I'm not one to say Grade 12 was the greatest year of my life, but in hind sight, its a massive waste of time. Just imagine if you pushed the brain every step of the way instead of just half of the step.. We'd all be amazing.

Anyway, like in grade 8, I'm now feeling that I don't want to forget anything I've done in this first year of university.. I don't want to get caught up in it all and remember I did all these things, but I can't recall anything. This weekend was a pretty ordinary one, but not forgettable.

On Friday night I went to a gather at Kobi's - Clarke's exboyfriend. Hence Clarke didn't go, :S awks cause I lovee her. Dekkers flirted with me all night/texted retarded things afterward. So the actual usual there. Rosey bought me a 10pk and Bry didn't drink because she drove us home. Also on Friday afternoon I went to an afternoon tea at the primary school with AYCC. It was rad, made like $300 which is sweet as.

Saturday was full of Jodi Piccoult, from honestly 10am to 11pm/midnight when I should've been going to bed for work the next morning.. Sunday was work, then the family went round to Dad's place and honestly just talked for about 2 hours. I had to run home because at Dad's Damo gave me a random call and invited to Hogan's that night. Was rad, we got drunk and played poker. I doubled my money ! Which means I'm obviously going to be a ridiculously headstrong gambler in the future aha. Afterwards I was meant to drink wine with Rose and Bry at Bry's. But instead me and Bry ate chips and watched Spirited Away like twice before we passed out. Such a good weekend actually. Shit.

See, would've forgotten it ! ^^ omg such a good weekend.
Proud as shiz. Thankyou again blogger for making me feel like I have a sweet ass life. Cheers, Charles.

From who you are to what you do.

I'm reading a Jodi Piccoult, and if you don't already know her, she's one of those authors that jumps from person to person, from present to past fine tuning the stories to recount in order to display the exact character she wants the reader to understand. She goes on the theory that there's a few definite stories that make you who you are. Definite conversations that you remember and that shape you..

Whenever I read her for a long period of time, I feel like I want to know my stories that have shaped me. I want to know if you pick out of everything, thought and action, you could predict what I'm going to do tomorrow. You could write 1000 words about why I did exactly the things I did yesterday. You could trail off in thought about who I am..

I came on here to vent about who I am. To put some words in concrete (lol, the internet)... But instead I stumbled onto my old blogs, old boyfriends, younger thoughts. I've already set alot of my brain in concrete and I did it for this exact reason. That when I'm lost, I have to remember that the past barely helps me. It's about how you feel this minute, its about what you're thinking about RIGHT NOW. Not even an hour ago.

Rright now, I'm thinking about why Eamonn didn't pick up my skype call. I'm thinking about why I'm sort of glad that he didn't, in fear that we'd have a bad conversation. I'm really scared of losing everything that we have. Because we're both such unstable people, little things push us over the edge. I'm scared that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as I know I feel about him. But then I just think, I don't think I portray how strongly I feel about him, to him. I tell it to other people and clearly honestly think it to myself. So maybe he does that too.. I'm not sure. It's better when you don't think about it.

I'm upset that he didn't pick up because I really do have a lot to tell him.

I think I've sorted my life out a bit more than 3 days ago. I failed my first uni assignment.. And yeah, it freaked the fuck out of me. I got an OP6 without honestly trying.. But it's because I loved highschool and I had to do well. Obviously the subject I failed - Art History - I don't love. So I've got to rethink things, actually like what I'm doing and have a clear path on what I'm going to do.

Not an exact plan, because a bigger fear than having to live with Mum for the next 6 years is having a mundane life. I think about that a lot, just to remind myself that that is the only thing to avoid.

New plan is this: only take Chinese subjects next semester and get full time/ish work. Then next year, pick up Russian. Do your course in Russian, and Chinese as majors. Move to China, get better at Russian and Chinese, then teach it to either Chinese students or English students.. Or just teach a bunch of people a bunch of things. Get married have kids, lol whoop.

It's a big plan taking some actual initiative/not wasting anymore money would be nice.

It's Day 2 of no facebook.

How strange is it, that you think of one bad thing that happened in your day, and you can suddenly remember 50? It works with good things too.

The bad things that happened to me today:

Ethan rode past my shop and I got those chills that I used to get when Angus came in. But less severe.
I got my period unexpectedly.
I screwed up a healthy days eating.

Good things?
I saw KD. I saw hippies. I acted like a hippie again.
I showered !
I made myself a solid breakfast.
I called Holly !!
I cleaned my roomish.

I didn't go on fb.

It's been a productive day. Starting at 8:30 with Hol's call and ending legit right now at 11:30pm.
Solid effort Charles, xx