From who you are to what you do.

I'm reading a Jodi Piccoult, and if you don't already know her, she's one of those authors that jumps from person to person, from present to past fine tuning the stories to recount in order to display the exact character she wants the reader to understand. She goes on the theory that there's a few definite stories that make you who you are. Definite conversations that you remember and that shape you..

Whenever I read her for a long period of time, I feel like I want to know my stories that have shaped me. I want to know if you pick out of everything, thought and action, you could predict what I'm going to do tomorrow. You could write 1000 words about why I did exactly the things I did yesterday. You could trail off in thought about who I am..

I came on here to vent about who I am. To put some words in concrete (lol, the internet)... But instead I stumbled onto my old blogs, old boyfriends, younger thoughts. I've already set alot of my brain in concrete and I did it for this exact reason. That when I'm lost, I have to remember that the past barely helps me. It's about how you feel this minute, its about what you're thinking about RIGHT NOW. Not even an hour ago.

Rright now, I'm thinking about why Eamonn didn't pick up my skype call. I'm thinking about why I'm sort of glad that he didn't, in fear that we'd have a bad conversation. I'm really scared of losing everything that we have. Because we're both such unstable people, little things push us over the edge. I'm scared that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as I know I feel about him. But then I just think, I don't think I portray how strongly I feel about him, to him. I tell it to other people and clearly honestly think it to myself. So maybe he does that too.. I'm not sure. It's better when you don't think about it.

I'm upset that he didn't pick up because I really do have a lot to tell him.

I think I've sorted my life out a bit more than 3 days ago. I failed my first uni assignment.. And yeah, it freaked the fuck out of me. I got an OP6 without honestly trying.. But it's because I loved highschool and I had to do well. Obviously the subject I failed - Art History - I don't love. So I've got to rethink things, actually like what I'm doing and have a clear path on what I'm going to do.

Not an exact plan, because a bigger fear than having to live with Mum for the next 6 years is having a mundane life. I think about that a lot, just to remind myself that that is the only thing to avoid.

New plan is this: only take Chinese subjects next semester and get full time/ish work. Then next year, pick up Russian. Do your course in Russian, and Chinese as majors. Move to China, get better at Russian and Chinese, then teach it to either Chinese students or English students.. Or just teach a bunch of people a bunch of things. Get married have kids, lol whoop.

It's a big plan taking some actual initiative/not wasting anymore money would be nice.