Not really internet worthy, but what isn't personal on here.

Ugh, I miss everything awesome in my life.

I miss having that person that I could just go to their house and tell them anything because they "loved" me or more obligied HAD to put up with it.
I miss when I had all these friends that I could be myself around with no effort.
I miss not fighting with Mum because I was gone for 6 - 12 hours everyday.

I miss feeling like I'm really honestly truly living life.

I'm watching this strict parenting show.. And its making me really sad. So I started watching 4 Weddings which made me think about my wedding with E. And what I'm going to say.. And what our photos are going to look at. And how happy I'll be. And how I could do it tomorrow. And how we'll retell the moment to our kids..
There I am crying of happiness while also mourning for the literal hole in my stomach right now where E's lap should be resting my head. When all of a sudden this show about kids and how they've lost touch with their parents comes on. These kids are relatable man. And seriously I probably wouldn't have turned as easily as they did.

Because I'm this rare breed. These kids weren't respectful and had a million piercings and smoked and you know cried when their parents said ily. I actually am respectful, I do work hard at a lot of things and I do things that I absolutely do not want to do..
Then why do I still say maybe 5 sentences to my mum every week? Why do I still get told every day that I'm so selfish and the worst person in all the universe and that I do it all on purpose..?

I try so hard to be perfect. I'm the nicest, more genuine person to all our grade and I know they'd say that. I'm conceited, definitely, but while making it a laugh. I don't find people that I can't convince to like me.. And that might be linked with how easy I find it to lie.

I wonder sometimes if my mum is 'proud' of any of the things I've done 10,000 times better than my siblings. Maybe even the fact that I have a life? That I take beauty from everything, that I can draw, that I'm amazing at netball, that I'm beautiful. Everyone else wouldn't hesitate telling me everyday. That's what I hate more. And I hate even more than that, the fact that everyone thinks I'm an adult. That everyone can see me moving out and managing myself and making my own way. But I shouldn't have to! I'm SO young. Why start life 7 years early when its only going to be the same 7 years later.? I'm allowed to want to miss Mum's birthday for a party. I'm allowed to spend $90 on yellow shoes. I'm allowed to stay up till 2am watching music videos. And I'm allowed to put sims3 on a computer mum fixed up just to 'have a play on'..

I think the problems start and finish with I don't truly know who Mum is. So I know her name, her date of birth. I don't know what high school she went to or who she'd call her best friend. I don't know who her Maid of Honour was or what her mum looked like. I don't understand why she would spend $600 on a random gadet and not winge about petrol prices, but have to honestly leave the room when my music starts or rage out and kick everything out of her path in my room.

I literally don't understand - still!! - why she doesn't listen to music in the car, and also doesn't talk. But then she sometimes will just randomly drink a double black? Like I try hard to know her, to make a joke about something, but its totally hit and miss. Because I'm honestly shooting in the dark.

I think it comes down to we're just so different that it can't ever match. I see beauty in everything. I don't know if she knows that, but I honestly do. There's not really a day in my life that I'm not happy at some point, or couldn't become happy. Happiness is a default for my brain in the real world, thinking makes me happy. Words, pictures, moments, make me happy. Like its impossible not for me to be like that.. And it just feels like with mum, it's all so logical and thought out. That happiness can only come from surprises of society or reality, and that the likelihood of offending her before surprising her is high.

I just can't deal with the negativity.. The hatred on everything different. The way that showing sensitivity and understanding to the actual person/situation its needed is almost lame. We're all independent here, but she hates that. We all hug each other, she would honestly yell. It doesn't make sense!

When I'm in the most hippie, tree loving, life is amazing mood, I can do it. I can laugh at my own things. I can see that I'm being the bigger person and the better person. And I know that by my sticking to it, she's going to learn a thing or 2 from me.

But tbh, my kids are going to be brough up differently.. How could she hold each of us when we were so young and not feel the need to do it when we're older and crying? When does that trait get lost? And if it does to everyone, then I need to remember to find it.. cause right now I'm on the shit side of things and its shit man.
I'm just doing a massive vent because although I love myself, I'm raising my kids so differently to how I was raised. There's not communication here. And I'm just reminding myself how shit it was for me at 18.. And how shit it might potentially be for my 18yr old.

That's all man, I'm teared out.

Charles.