THE UK BITCH.

I've had a really fucking great week. And the word 'fucking' is kind of really necessary. Hahahahaha just realised how sus that is, and kinda true. Loloololol #beingfunnywithoutrealising.

I made friends with these foriegn blokes, from England and Ireland. They're adorableeeeeee.! Like, just so super cute. But really why they're rad, is because they just have the greatest lives.

All these dudes do:

Work: At this little cafe, on shit wages. Probably like 4 times a week, on a good week. And the one that's lived there for ages - Brit - has changed jobs like probably 3 times in the time I've known him, so like 6 months? Irish bloke has only been here for like a few weeks.

Smoke and buy weed: Self explainatory.

Watch movies: / TV shows. That they download for pretty much free/ bum off every person they know. Seriously they have soooo many it is ridiculous. Irish fella is like a walking IMDb, its nuts as.

Drink: There's a bottlo next to my work, which is like 3 minutes from their house. Hahah so they just drink beer like all of the time. And they're hella into wine, so literally every night they will be drinking.

It's awesome.


They make life, as in easy as fucking shit, fun. LIKE ALL THEY DO IS WATCH MOVIES AND GET HIGH?! How is there not books made about these people?! Because at the same time they are hilarious? Omg, I guess I'm just shocked that they even exist. I've been in the same bubble, with the same rich fucks pretty much my whole life. Thank fuck for meeting these people.

Also I kissed the Irish one.. :)

Not really internet worthy, but what isn't personal on here.

Ugh, I miss everything awesome in my life.

I miss having that person that I could just go to their house and tell them anything because they "loved" me or more obligied HAD to put up with it.
I miss when I had all these friends that I could be myself around with no effort.
I miss not fighting with Mum because I was gone for 6 - 12 hours everyday.

I miss feeling like I'm really honestly truly living life.

I'm watching this strict parenting show.. And its making me really sad. So I started watching 4 Weddings which made me think about my wedding with E. And what I'm going to say.. And what our photos are going to look at. And how happy I'll be. And how I could do it tomorrow. And how we'll retell the moment to our kids..
There I am crying of happiness while also mourning for the literal hole in my stomach right now where E's lap should be resting my head. When all of a sudden this show about kids and how they've lost touch with their parents comes on. These kids are relatable man. And seriously I probably wouldn't have turned as easily as they did.

Because I'm this rare breed. These kids weren't respectful and had a million piercings and smoked and you know cried when their parents said ily. I actually am respectful, I do work hard at a lot of things and I do things that I absolutely do not want to do..
Then why do I still say maybe 5 sentences to my mum every week? Why do I still get told every day that I'm so selfish and the worst person in all the universe and that I do it all on purpose..?

I try so hard to be perfect. I'm the nicest, more genuine person to all our grade and I know they'd say that. I'm conceited, definitely, but while making it a laugh. I don't find people that I can't convince to like me.. And that might be linked with how easy I find it to lie.

I wonder sometimes if my mum is 'proud' of any of the things I've done 10,000 times better than my siblings. Maybe even the fact that I have a life? That I take beauty from everything, that I can draw, that I'm amazing at netball, that I'm beautiful. Everyone else wouldn't hesitate telling me everyday. That's what I hate more. And I hate even more than that, the fact that everyone thinks I'm an adult. That everyone can see me moving out and managing myself and making my own way. But I shouldn't have to! I'm SO young. Why start life 7 years early when its only going to be the same 7 years later.? I'm allowed to want to miss Mum's birthday for a party. I'm allowed to spend $90 on yellow shoes. I'm allowed to stay up till 2am watching music videos. And I'm allowed to put sims3 on a computer mum fixed up just to 'have a play on'..

I think the problems start and finish with I don't truly know who Mum is. So I know her name, her date of birth. I don't know what high school she went to or who she'd call her best friend. I don't know who her Maid of Honour was or what her mum looked like. I don't understand why she would spend $600 on a random gadet and not winge about petrol prices, but have to honestly leave the room when my music starts or rage out and kick everything out of her path in my room.

I literally don't understand - still!! - why she doesn't listen to music in the car, and also doesn't talk. But then she sometimes will just randomly drink a double black? Like I try hard to know her, to make a joke about something, but its totally hit and miss. Because I'm honestly shooting in the dark.

I think it comes down to we're just so different that it can't ever match. I see beauty in everything. I don't know if she knows that, but I honestly do. There's not really a day in my life that I'm not happy at some point, or couldn't become happy. Happiness is a default for my brain in the real world, thinking makes me happy. Words, pictures, moments, make me happy. Like its impossible not for me to be like that.. And it just feels like with mum, it's all so logical and thought out. That happiness can only come from surprises of society or reality, and that the likelihood of offending her before surprising her is high.

I just can't deal with the negativity.. The hatred on everything different. The way that showing sensitivity and understanding to the actual person/situation its needed is almost lame. We're all independent here, but she hates that. We all hug each other, she would honestly yell. It doesn't make sense!

When I'm in the most hippie, tree loving, life is amazing mood, I can do it. I can laugh at my own things. I can see that I'm being the bigger person and the better person. And I know that by my sticking to it, she's going to learn a thing or 2 from me.

But tbh, my kids are going to be brough up differently.. How could she hold each of us when we were so young and not feel the need to do it when we're older and crying? When does that trait get lost? And if it does to everyone, then I need to remember to find it.. cause right now I'm on the shit side of things and its shit man.
I'm just doing a massive vent because although I love myself, I'm raising my kids so differently to how I was raised. There's not communication here. And I'm just reminding myself how shit it was for me at 18.. And how shit it might potentially be for my 18yr old.

That's all man, I'm teared out.

Charles.

This is a significant moment in my life. Between 11:30 and 1:27 on mum's birthday 2012

The furtherst back I can remember is me starting in a mansion and really not liking it there. It feels like the only reason I got by was because someone - the people in chagre maybe? - made frequent sexual jokes at me. Aka touching my nipples or playing with my legs and I faked a real horniness to them. So the thing starts pretty sexual which is weird cause I don't have those dreams.

Then I'm in a bed making out with someone. They're on top of me and I'm sort of teaching them how to touch me. They something like "I'm never the one that stands out anyway, so no big deal." And I push them off my mouth because they are a disgustingly bad kisser and onto my neck where they see this as a progression and take it actively. I'm wearing the new shirt I bought today, they say it looks nice and then rip it off me. Suddenly it's my sister's face reaching under my bra. The bra I'm wearing in fact. I move her had towards it, like I'm teaching her something or she's there to learn how. I joke with her, moving her hand to take my bra off and then dropping it. It's kind of weird that I did that, because we both thought it was weird that we were there, so making a joke only realitified the experience.

I remember reaching into the figure on top of me's pants and saying "Are we really going to do this?" As I yanked on their penis. Now it wasn't my sister, but my friend from primary school, Kayla. Well it was her, but with a penis. E's penis too. She tried to roll me on top of her, but instead rolled right out of bed, now I looked at her on the floor and saw that we were in my Dad's bedroom at our old house. Instead of sitting on her/his whatever's penis, I practiced on the bed like I've always wanted to, but never have.

Then I honestly just got up, walked out the glass door and sat on one of one person couches, the blue ones, in front of the tv. I went into my childhood room in my childhood town and turned on the inexistent computer screen - one from when I was maybe 10?. On the screen wasa massive post-it, coming up slowly like a powerpoint, it started to read:
Write me a message! Or draw me a paragraph.. A picture would be handy!
I got back to my seat on the couch as more things appear on that computer screen. About a minute later, I saw my sister come out of my dad's room too, she looked at me fouly. I said, "Hey Dog - what we call her - whaddddup." She didn't respond. Instead went into my room and I heard her speaking loudly, as though she wanted me to hear. She said, "...no respectable."
I remember because I'm pretty sure that's not a word.

I walk into the kitchen to get a yoghurt and there at the dinner table is my mum. It makes me cry because behind the other side of the counter was Dad. And they were talking. Just normal talk, ignoring me. My parents split when I was 5 and its always been a huge part of my life.

Anyway, all that is back story ^^.
The real story, the real reason I'm even posting this online is because of this next bit:
I think it must have happened that I fell asleep on the couch within my dream because I could feel the difference between the 'dream' and the reality, being my childhood home.

The first time I went in [fell asleep] I was wondering Adelaide St in my city, just in front of my normal bus stop. I have the feeling that I was looking for someone with no face. Looking for someone that was hiding from me, or that didn't look right. Everyone I saw I didn't recognise or didn't stand out and all the buses they would get on were not mine, I could tell.

Literally I'm scanning faces, but because I don't want to see faces they aren't standing out... When I scan a face and it pops out as being right. He looked like Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the new one with Johnny Depp. He had that hair cut and that coloured skin, so white and powered. I noticed his face before I noticed that it was a 180 degrees from his body and that his body was walking backwards in order for him to be coming towards me. He was with a short lady, with the same backward head on, but I can't put name to her face. I remember her face so well, bangs, hair up high in a messy bun. Quite old and stern looking, as though she'd be a principal off a movie or tv show. Or the bad guy in a churchy movie. She wore all black in a suit formation and he wore a long black trench coat to his toes, not showing from the back any other clothes choice.

He didn't stop as he talked, but I knew he was the right one. As soon as I saw him it was like he was pushing me into a bus that was completely black. He said, "We've been trying to show you, P & L that's all you have to know. We've been trying to show you..."

Into the black bus I go, laughing and spinning saying Charli, Charli, Charli. So vivid that in that dream, I thought I would be saying it in real life. In fact I could feel myself saying it, down a black corridor as I 'exited' the dream. Suddenly a blue post-it flew by me. It said "WTF -in bold-" Then appearing on it as I looked at it was, "P & L." I nodded and for some reason said, "My year 5 teacher and Peter? I don't really undertand but I'll remember."On the card, as if responding to my words read: "Would you like to see your wedding photos next time?" I replied out loud, "Sure, maybe next time." Thinking that I would never have a significant dream like this again so I didn't need to worry.

I appear in a garden, I recognise it, but I don't know where. Definitely not any of my houses. Mum's there, she's about to leave I can tell. Her and Dad had rekindled something, but she couldn't stay like that as she knew it wouldn't work. I hugged her - pretty weird for my family because we don't like physical contact - and she said "I know, but you can't."

She started down the path and I yelled after her and gave her a longer, harder hug. I wondered if when she got married, she knew it wouldn't work the way she wanted. I wondered how wise or how young she was in the scheme of things.


I find myself in the hallway again, only not exiting, entering. There are other peple with me too, with their own post-it's that are flying in different directions. Someone says, "I guess I'm not finished.." As their love heart post-it flys down the corridor and they chase after it.

We open two blue and white metal doors into a arena, I guess you'd call it with a round blow up pool in the middle. The sides of this blow up pool are as big as me sitting down and the whole thing wide must be at least 30m diameter. I plop in first bouncing in my usual excited way to the front of a group of maybe 20 people. In the middle of the pool, suddenly a genie appears, yes not even joking a genie. He's cartoon and blue and fatter than aladin's but still he's a genie.
He says, "Well to the crappiest of crap rides here. They're going to close us down don't worry because you're our last group! First we're going on a log ride, with no tunnels! It's not fun." Everyone groans, but its only because we feel its expected. I got the feeling that everyone there was much more profound than they let on.

Fasika, a girl from highschool is sitting behind me. She turns to her left and whispers to herself, "Its you again!"
I look because I heard her whisper and to our left there's an older, bigger woman with short hair and glasses sitting cross legged in an orange sweater, outside of a lit classroom. She motions for Fas to come to her and I know its for Fasika and her story, but I do an unbelievably fake takein, as though I mistakened her for me. "Me?!" I motion back and start to crawl over to the woman as the genie continues to talk.

I look at my hands for a second and murmur, "It's my turn yet is it?"
And I look up, the old lady has turned to smoke and her orange sweater, glasses and short gray hair sit in a pile in front of the now unlit classroom. It wasn't mine to interupt Fasika's dream or whatever, and I sat against the edge of the blow up pool, away now and in the main focus of the group. The genie obviously had seen the whole occurance and said, "She just wants to find true love, but no one loves her or wants to tell her things. Its not her fault, maybe Charli just can't find love of a man.." The whole group laughed. It was in a mocking tone, the whole thing was a joke at me.

I felt horrible, on the blow up  material f the pool I kept re-writing the symbol 心 which means 'heart' in Chinese. It kept disappearing, every time I wrote it. The laughter of the group echoing and enclosing me, something put a headphone in my ear. It said, "Shhh."

And I swear I've never been so anticpative for a noise before.. The noise that played? My message tone. And I woke up at 1:27.

Who has messaged me?
Zam at 1:27. She said, "k i got credit. / omg i'm so excited !!"

I think my dream was trying to tell me I'm a lesbian.

Okay, I've got 10 minutes in counting to write this blog.

Atm, I'm studying for a Chinese written exam tomorrow. I haven't studied for the past 2 weeks, so it's definitely 100% my own fault if I fail.. or whatever. Clearly will not failure. Clearly, I'm actually so rad at Chinese. Wow.

I'm being mean to myself in how much I know and how much I don't, so that as I'm studying I delete things constantly that I do know. Aka I'll know a word, 90% correct. Its gone in with the words that I don't know at all. Therefore, after like an hour study clearly I will know that word 100%, so it'll get deleted and put with the words that I do know. It's a good system.

Also I've been drawing as a procrastination. I drew this real sick alien the other day, in car too form. Fuck it made me happy. I can't wait for exams to be over so I can literally spend my time doing shit like that.

I'm nervous as all shit about my 18th. What am I going to do for it? I wanted to be the kid that does everything weird, that has all the best stories that can say how perfect their life has been in every way. so my 18th is a massive amount of pressure ! Do I have a generic party at Damo's and get really drunk at a house? Do I do a dinner and make it hilarious by.. taking photos? Lol idk. I want the things I do to be hilarious. I want to be unlike every other person. I want to set a bar for the sickest shit ever to hit anything. I think I'll just do a dinner. I want Dad and Mum to put in for a new camera. That's pretty much all I need from them/family. That and a skateboard. I really fucking want a skateboard. I wanted one last year from my high as shit ex-boyfriend.

My other exams I'm pretty chilled about.. Idk why they are like 500% harder I'm pretty sure. Art history is going to be heccers, Like I don;t know anything and the question will just feel like I'm failing. I can't wait to do art history next semester though..

I CAN NOT WAIT TO WORK AT MK's STORE. Holy christ, will be so much fun ! I'll get an all new customer base. Fucking all new boy's to perve. I'm going to get a boyfi from that job for sure.

Oh yeah, so boyfi's right? Muz is adorable. Our little moment outside of my house will honestly never be forgotten because he's just the cutest thing I've ever met. I haven't seen him since then.. lol asks, but I haven't been out since then I'm pretty sure.

Timothy is a douche. Ugh, the story with the drinks just made me rage hard out and I just think we're going to have huge issues in the near future and late future. Will not ever love him / give him anything. I feel bad that he wants to hang all the time cause I'm seriously not going to give him anything. He doesn't even know me / my life / anything. Like I flirt with him, which I'm freaking rad at just ps.

Okay, time's up. Was good to chat, I'll keep you updated. x

Favourite tumblr post of today so far:

tattoos and shit

人生得意须尽欢

He's my husband and everyone better know it.

Important times

So I think this Diamond Jubilee thing is an important moment in my life. Aka, I don't know what it is, but it seems like it doesn't happen everyday. I have a feeling it has something to do with the Queen being 100..? Idk. Anyway, what to associate this event with:

It was the time that Dad got back from Europe, from visiting Sarah and living with Danny and Nicky.

It was while Sez was in Prague.

It was when I'm stressing about going to jail and going to the courthouse this week.

It was when Mum and I are not getting along and Madeline tells me nearly everyday to move out.

It was about the time that I kissed Jam in the rain.

It was the time I was meant to be studying for exams, but instead slept all day and night.

Times sucked pretty hardass in the Jubilee period, in other words.

:)

//cry.

I want E to be here. I just want to talk to him face to face, I want to see how he acts when I act pretty. And I want to lie next to him and do nothing. I want to meet these people he's talking about and go shopping and help him do his class prep. I want to punch him in the shoulder and make every face instantly. I want to get naked at night and joke with him. I want to actually laugh at his jokes instead of laughing too loudly just so the webcam can pick it up. I don't want to be on my bed, by myself, when the boy I'm going to marry is on the other side of the world wishing he was here. I only needed to be there for 2 weeks.. 1 day would've done it. I would've been right for a while. But I'm not right just yet. And I'm not going to be alright with just skype. I want him right now. And for a long time. Wah.

This song is getting me through, cause it's beautiful and doesn't remind me of him.