What do you think about when you're meant to be sleeping?

I'm so epically bored, which is legit such a bad thing. I'm sitting here, pretty much nude and unsettled.

I'm having this reoccurring problem, where I don't know what to think about at night. I've been through constant phases of what's best to think about and what just comes naturally. I remember when I was little, I used to think about tv storylines, or plots of movies, only except instead of the good guys always winning, I thought about how shit would play out if the evil conquered. If Scar didn't die in Lion King and Mufusa had to deal or if Alice never left Wonderland, if Peter was forever caught by Hook. It was fun at the time.

Then I grew up and all I thought about at night was sex. Slash boys obviously. I didn't like to linger on things, but I just loved the thought. "What would my wedding be like? How might my day play out tomorrow when I get a chance to talk to insert multiple boys I'm in love with." But now with Eth, I really can't think of those things. I mean, I honestly see myself marrying him and if I thought about what its going to be like every time I'm with him.. I think I'd ruin his novelty. It's easier to just go with it, not dwell on the mean comments.

For a while I thought about how much I hate this girl, Ergle. She loves Ethan. He used to work with her, nearly 6 months ago now.. And she's in love with his charm. I hate her. I hate that he likes her back. I hate, more than anything, that sometimes he speaks to her instead of me. I hate that when I ignore him, although in the long run it brings him close, for the instantaneous moment, he goes to her. She is how he is to me. It's good, but I know the power of having someone like that whipped on a string.. It can be overpowering. I just.. I'm jealous as fuck. Jealous of everything they have. I hate it.

So I hate thinking about that ^. I feel stupid and sometimes find it hard to face him if I've thought about it too much.

Sometimes.. I like thinking about the past. The way I felt when I was skiing down Towers for the first time without falling. Those physics classes next to the extraordinarily buff South African, Jacobus Jahanas. Christmas in Mt Isa under the tree..

But also sometimes, thinking about those things makes me sad. Real sad. Time wasting sad. Time wasting on blogger instead of living this life out. Why aren't I in France taking pictures? Or applying makeup to attend the wankiest ball in all the land? Or siting on the curb in NY wondering who's doing the same thing? I don't get it. I'm so excited to live you know? It's incredible. I've wasted so much time already.. And no offense, but my parents just hold me back so much more. I'm not living. I'm just breathing. It's a piece of shit it is.

Anyway, the subject of sleep got lost somewhere in this. I have insomnia, that was all I really wanted to say. I also talk to much.

So easy to criticize, hard to compliment on this thing.

I just want to sleep.

Note: Get this as a tattoo please.

Also, maybe do it yourself. Wouldn't be that hard.

cootiepie

how could you not?!

My boyfi

Ethan's house is really hot in the summer, but the light filters into the kitchen as though everything in the world is beautiful. The dust that comes from the kitchen table when I move uncontrollable piles of letters, paintings, plates, etc just lingers in the air, caught in between light and gravity. It's as though everything stops and has no real meaning when inside his walls. You know what's so much cuter? They don't see it.

Eth's dad doesn't understand that his silence and cassette player make their family so strange. The fact that he's into I.T and yet fights his kids to get what he wants? They legit intrigue me.

When Eth messages me on facebook I honestly am interested in what he has to say. It happens so much, that those few times I'm disappointed, are forgotten.

I'm saying this stuff ^^ to remind myself why I love him so much. I'm at this point again; 5 months of a relationship, going to Mt Isa in the holidays... It's my ex-boyfriend all over again. This is that crucial moment where I have to man up and realise, he still loves me even though he doesn't say every second. He still thinks about me even if its not that longing death he used to experience. Even though he's not keen to flirt anymore, even though he says something mean every now and again and doesn't care about watch what he says.. He doesn't hang on my every word like he used to, but he still loves me.

I expect everyone to love me every second. That's why I cheat. It's the shittest quality ever. I'm going to sacrifice a lot for Ethan though. If I don't, I'll never know if we're something real or not. I'm making such an effort... I hope he sees it.

It's a joke how much I love him.

Sorry for wasting your time with shit words. My bad.

Charles - x

Eth.

Ethie cried on my shoulder on Thursday night. We'd both been drinking; I was being hell cutie. Kissing Eth all the time, holding his hand and dancing, talking to everyone and no one. He kept on getting angry though, raging as though he was looking after me all the time, as though I was acting so stupid and hard for him.

We're on the beach and he wasn't letting me talk to any Gapians. I broke down, yelled at him, cried. Chatting with HC, while crying and saying drunken honest shit haha. I was making a sculpture in the sand getting more and more frustrated that it wasn't working properly when Eth came and hugged me. We walked away from everyone and he said this:

"You don't get it, that you're the only person that I have to care for. I've got no mum, no sisters. You are legit the only girl in my life and I have to protect you... Never leave me."

We sat quiet for ages. Then we talked about art and things. I couldn't make him laugh, but I knew that he was just loving me more. One of those silent - you're the cutest thing out - sort of things. Sort of out of no where he said:

"I think we have what my mum and dad had."

I looked at him, but he didn't make eye contact and it was really dark. I think we hugged for an hour. He cried lots and sort of loudly, but never loud enough to make definite that it wasn't just me crying.

It was a defining moment in our relationship. <3

one week of the rest of my life.

I just came back from schoolies, 2 days ago actually. It's funny cause everyone's still talking about it as though the events that occurred on Monday night were yesterday; and the things we did on Wednesday were the best things in our lives.

Schoolies; pretty much is a week where every grade 12 student in Queensland heads to the coast with a bunch of friends and gets loose. There's so much alcohol; it is ridiculous.

I didn't take any photos; I have memories that I'm honestly forgetting on purpose; I drank more than my weight in tequila.

I didn't clean my room once, I cooked on occasion and no one got me in trouble.

For that, it was the greatest week of my life.

why'd you have to eth?

My heart honestly hurts. Like, I actually can't imagine if he cheated on me, I think I'd pass out.

I went to his old restaurant job last night to have dinner with Eth & B. This chick was there, Ergle, who is actually in love with my boyfriend. Brought him this present for his birthday was all these cards and shit, saying all these inside jokes and fuckshit. I bought my boyfriend some headphones and then couldn't even sex him, wtf. I'm so devo, I want him to like me like he liked her tonight. We even had sex tonight but I still feel like he doesn't like me.

Oh my god, this is actually retarded. I don't like boys, boys like me. I'ma make this dickhead chase me again, he don't get nothing for free. I'm raging so bad my chest is heaving. It's like he's actually ripping holes in my ego, wtf is that?! My ego is huge, you can't rip shit into it.

It's begun.

Okay, the first blog. Ironic hey? Because I'm starting this the day before my last ever day at school, ever. Like finishing grade 12, forever. Doneski.

You know what's weird? It doesn't feel real you know? Like, we're having all these class parties and I'm getting all these photos with teachers and to the outside world, I'm doing what every class year does... But it's like, that was never supposed to happen to us. I wasn't meant to be the one that finished. Growing up isn't in my vocabulary, so what're you going to do about it? Fuck.

I've actually had fucking, numerous blogs before, but clearly every time I start a new one, I have a completely different situation. Therefore, let me tell you a bit about me;

The biggest part of my life atm is a boy named Ethan. I'm not just saying that because I was just talking to him on fbchat, but more because he is the hugest thing that's ever hit my emotions. He's my boyfriend for the past 4 months roughly and we've had a 'thing' or whatever for the past 2 years.
I might blog about him more later? So that you can actually understand what he's like. It'd be easy to talk about him, just time consuming.

The second biggest part of my life is a boy named Eamonn (pronounced aye- man). He's my best friend. And I could also tell you numerous things about him, but he's actually the most interesting and complex person invented, so it would take more than your lifetime.

I work at a small bakery about 10 minutes drive from my house. This whole past year I've worked Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings before school; Tuesday afternoons and Sundays. I work alot. But I love my job, and every person distantly related to it.

At school I'm popular. Everyone knows me, likes me, relies on me. I'm on of those people that others look at and say: How does she do it? Or: How can I do that?! Just through things like being chilled and talking to everyone. From the outside, it looks like I'm friends with everyone. I have fake conversations on probably a 24 hour basis, it's a joke.

I play netball with senior players, so the ladies in their early / late 20's. They've taught me alot already, in their youth and things. I really bonded with them this past year, more then I thought I would.

All and all, I'm just really young. I'm young and stupid and I want to live life to its fullest. I don't want to be a pawn in the making of something better, I see my life as the perfect life to be lived. I see it that I should live the life that changes everyone else's lives.I've sort of already done that.

I look forward to informing you:
Charli.

It's Over.

Frickin' wow. It's all over. I'm never going to have another class, another lesson, another lunchtime or another extra curriculum. Yesterday was the last day of my forced upon me schooling and I was so unbelievably sad.

The good things about yesterday.
The thing was, here in Australia, the last day in Grade 12 is reffered to as muck up day right? So every teenager over the whole nation is trying to out do each other with really lame pranks just for shigs. Our school was so against muck up day, more then most other schools. For the past 3 weeks, it's been drilled into us that if we do ANYTHING, we'll get suspended. And if you get suspended, you can't go to graduation. And if you can't go to graduation, imagine how cut your mum will be.. :'(.
So everyone was a little freaked out about how the day would run, but having it finished, I honestly couldn't have asked for a better day.

Physics was beautiful. Our teacher for the past 2 and half years gave us a small piece of advice as his parting gift.. He said: "As you grow older, you become more conservative. You stop speaking out, because you feel you have a responsibility not to... This is why, you've got to stay young, for as long as you can. Stay young in your thinking."

Art.. well. Wow. Art was so gorgeous. I cried for honestly 3 hours straight. I just.. I'm crying now. That place means so much to me, it's insane. It taught me everything. All my thoughts pretty much spur from that room, G4. And it's changing during the holidays. No one will be able to live out the experience that I've had there. I won't be able to reminisce with anyone, but myself, because no one went through it like I did. That place.. Just wow. The number of lunch times I spent there. The number of conversations; the number of times, I could pull out a line of thought that I'd always hidden from society because of fear.. the number of times I've just randomly brought these thoughts up with a personal conversation to Ms Wilson. That place meant means so much to me. A massive part of my life, forever.

The final assembly was magical. Our deputy, Pauly B? It's his last year this year. He's finally going into retirement, after 12 years of faithful service to my highschool. He can call that place his. He picked it up from the shits and turned it into a profound school that educates the whole person. He deserves credit for all of its positive outcomes.The speech given to him that day by our vice captain, Mackenzie.. was the most beautiful pattern of words that could've possibly been said by a 17 year old boy. He spoke on behalf of all of us, in every way and like, he doesn't get it, because I can't put enough weight on it.. but he honestly made my day / high school life.

Having that day finished, I feel eager. But I think that's the wrong feeling, I think I should be feeling motivated, but instead I'm just excited for things to start happening around me. I need to kickstart my life, I need to make big decisions with jobs and life and people. I think I'm going to live an ultimately lonely life because no one can share all of my experiences.. I hope in the end that I have kids, because to palm off this knowledge would literally be a blessing.

I've still got exams, so its not like my high school life is over, but that day.. really symbolised a lot. A lot of goodbyes are going to happen in my life, but as long as I have kids and some sort of record to show them.. Everything will live on.

I think I've had enough tears for one day. I'm watching Benjamin Button right now and I can't really stop crying. Thinking about war and whatever. Well, we'll talk about that more when its more relevant, so bye.

Charli

We're meant to lose the people we love, or how else would we know how important they are to us?