THE UK BITCH.

I've had a really fucking great week. And the word 'fucking' is kind of really necessary. Hahahahaha just realised how sus that is, and kinda true. Loloololol #beingfunnywithoutrealising.

I made friends with these foriegn blokes, from England and Ireland. They're adorableeeeeee.! Like, just so super cute. But really why they're rad, is because they just have the greatest lives.

All these dudes do:

Work: At this little cafe, on shit wages. Probably like 4 times a week, on a good week. And the one that's lived there for ages - Brit - has changed jobs like probably 3 times in the time I've known him, so like 6 months? Irish bloke has only been here for like a few weeks.

Smoke and buy weed: Self explainatory.

Watch movies: / TV shows. That they download for pretty much free/ bum off every person they know. Seriously they have soooo many it is ridiculous. Irish fella is like a walking IMDb, its nuts as.

Drink: There's a bottlo next to my work, which is like 3 minutes from their house. Hahah so they just drink beer like all of the time. And they're hella into wine, so literally every night they will be drinking.

It's awesome.


They make life, as in easy as fucking shit, fun. LIKE ALL THEY DO IS WATCH MOVIES AND GET HIGH?! How is there not books made about these people?! Because at the same time they are hilarious? Omg, I guess I'm just shocked that they even exist. I've been in the same bubble, with the same rich fucks pretty much my whole life. Thank fuck for meeting these people.

Also I kissed the Irish one.. :)

Not really internet worthy, but what isn't personal on here.

Ugh, I miss everything awesome in my life.

I miss having that person that I could just go to their house and tell them anything because they "loved" me or more obligied HAD to put up with it.
I miss when I had all these friends that I could be myself around with no effort.
I miss not fighting with Mum because I was gone for 6 - 12 hours everyday.

I miss feeling like I'm really honestly truly living life.

I'm watching this strict parenting show.. And its making me really sad. So I started watching 4 Weddings which made me think about my wedding with E. And what I'm going to say.. And what our photos are going to look at. And how happy I'll be. And how I could do it tomorrow. And how we'll retell the moment to our kids..
There I am crying of happiness while also mourning for the literal hole in my stomach right now where E's lap should be resting my head. When all of a sudden this show about kids and how they've lost touch with their parents comes on. These kids are relatable man. And seriously I probably wouldn't have turned as easily as they did.

Because I'm this rare breed. These kids weren't respectful and had a million piercings and smoked and you know cried when their parents said ily. I actually am respectful, I do work hard at a lot of things and I do things that I absolutely do not want to do..
Then why do I still say maybe 5 sentences to my mum every week? Why do I still get told every day that I'm so selfish and the worst person in all the universe and that I do it all on purpose..?

I try so hard to be perfect. I'm the nicest, more genuine person to all our grade and I know they'd say that. I'm conceited, definitely, but while making it a laugh. I don't find people that I can't convince to like me.. And that might be linked with how easy I find it to lie.

I wonder sometimes if my mum is 'proud' of any of the things I've done 10,000 times better than my siblings. Maybe even the fact that I have a life? That I take beauty from everything, that I can draw, that I'm amazing at netball, that I'm beautiful. Everyone else wouldn't hesitate telling me everyday. That's what I hate more. And I hate even more than that, the fact that everyone thinks I'm an adult. That everyone can see me moving out and managing myself and making my own way. But I shouldn't have to! I'm SO young. Why start life 7 years early when its only going to be the same 7 years later.? I'm allowed to want to miss Mum's birthday for a party. I'm allowed to spend $90 on yellow shoes. I'm allowed to stay up till 2am watching music videos. And I'm allowed to put sims3 on a computer mum fixed up just to 'have a play on'..

I think the problems start and finish with I don't truly know who Mum is. So I know her name, her date of birth. I don't know what high school she went to or who she'd call her best friend. I don't know who her Maid of Honour was or what her mum looked like. I don't understand why she would spend $600 on a random gadet and not winge about petrol prices, but have to honestly leave the room when my music starts or rage out and kick everything out of her path in my room.

I literally don't understand - still!! - why she doesn't listen to music in the car, and also doesn't talk. But then she sometimes will just randomly drink a double black? Like I try hard to know her, to make a joke about something, but its totally hit and miss. Because I'm honestly shooting in the dark.

I think it comes down to we're just so different that it can't ever match. I see beauty in everything. I don't know if she knows that, but I honestly do. There's not really a day in my life that I'm not happy at some point, or couldn't become happy. Happiness is a default for my brain in the real world, thinking makes me happy. Words, pictures, moments, make me happy. Like its impossible not for me to be like that.. And it just feels like with mum, it's all so logical and thought out. That happiness can only come from surprises of society or reality, and that the likelihood of offending her before surprising her is high.

I just can't deal with the negativity.. The hatred on everything different. The way that showing sensitivity and understanding to the actual person/situation its needed is almost lame. We're all independent here, but she hates that. We all hug each other, she would honestly yell. It doesn't make sense!

When I'm in the most hippie, tree loving, life is amazing mood, I can do it. I can laugh at my own things. I can see that I'm being the bigger person and the better person. And I know that by my sticking to it, she's going to learn a thing or 2 from me.

But tbh, my kids are going to be brough up differently.. How could she hold each of us when we were so young and not feel the need to do it when we're older and crying? When does that trait get lost? And if it does to everyone, then I need to remember to find it.. cause right now I'm on the shit side of things and its shit man.
I'm just doing a massive vent because although I love myself, I'm raising my kids so differently to how I was raised. There's not communication here. And I'm just reminding myself how shit it was for me at 18.. And how shit it might potentially be for my 18yr old.

That's all man, I'm teared out.

Charles.

This is a significant moment in my life. Between 11:30 and 1:27 on mum's birthday 2012

The furtherst back I can remember is me starting in a mansion and really not liking it there. It feels like the only reason I got by was because someone - the people in chagre maybe? - made frequent sexual jokes at me. Aka touching my nipples or playing with my legs and I faked a real horniness to them. So the thing starts pretty sexual which is weird cause I don't have those dreams.

Then I'm in a bed making out with someone. They're on top of me and I'm sort of teaching them how to touch me. They something like "I'm never the one that stands out anyway, so no big deal." And I push them off my mouth because they are a disgustingly bad kisser and onto my neck where they see this as a progression and take it actively. I'm wearing the new shirt I bought today, they say it looks nice and then rip it off me. Suddenly it's my sister's face reaching under my bra. The bra I'm wearing in fact. I move her had towards it, like I'm teaching her something or she's there to learn how. I joke with her, moving her hand to take my bra off and then dropping it. It's kind of weird that I did that, because we both thought it was weird that we were there, so making a joke only realitified the experience.

I remember reaching into the figure on top of me's pants and saying "Are we really going to do this?" As I yanked on their penis. Now it wasn't my sister, but my friend from primary school, Kayla. Well it was her, but with a penis. E's penis too. She tried to roll me on top of her, but instead rolled right out of bed, now I looked at her on the floor and saw that we were in my Dad's bedroom at our old house. Instead of sitting on her/his whatever's penis, I practiced on the bed like I've always wanted to, but never have.

Then I honestly just got up, walked out the glass door and sat on one of one person couches, the blue ones, in front of the tv. I went into my childhood room in my childhood town and turned on the inexistent computer screen - one from when I was maybe 10?. On the screen wasa massive post-it, coming up slowly like a powerpoint, it started to read:
Write me a message! Or draw me a paragraph.. A picture would be handy!
I got back to my seat on the couch as more things appear on that computer screen. About a minute later, I saw my sister come out of my dad's room too, she looked at me fouly. I said, "Hey Dog - what we call her - whaddddup." She didn't respond. Instead went into my room and I heard her speaking loudly, as though she wanted me to hear. She said, "...no respectable."
I remember because I'm pretty sure that's not a word.

I walk into the kitchen to get a yoghurt and there at the dinner table is my mum. It makes me cry because behind the other side of the counter was Dad. And they were talking. Just normal talk, ignoring me. My parents split when I was 5 and its always been a huge part of my life.

Anyway, all that is back story ^^.
The real story, the real reason I'm even posting this online is because of this next bit:
I think it must have happened that I fell asleep on the couch within my dream because I could feel the difference between the 'dream' and the reality, being my childhood home.

The first time I went in [fell asleep] I was wondering Adelaide St in my city, just in front of my normal bus stop. I have the feeling that I was looking for someone with no face. Looking for someone that was hiding from me, or that didn't look right. Everyone I saw I didn't recognise or didn't stand out and all the buses they would get on were not mine, I could tell.

Literally I'm scanning faces, but because I don't want to see faces they aren't standing out... When I scan a face and it pops out as being right. He looked like Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the new one with Johnny Depp. He had that hair cut and that coloured skin, so white and powered. I noticed his face before I noticed that it was a 180 degrees from his body and that his body was walking backwards in order for him to be coming towards me. He was with a short lady, with the same backward head on, but I can't put name to her face. I remember her face so well, bangs, hair up high in a messy bun. Quite old and stern looking, as though she'd be a principal off a movie or tv show. Or the bad guy in a churchy movie. She wore all black in a suit formation and he wore a long black trench coat to his toes, not showing from the back any other clothes choice.

He didn't stop as he talked, but I knew he was the right one. As soon as I saw him it was like he was pushing me into a bus that was completely black. He said, "We've been trying to show you, P & L that's all you have to know. We've been trying to show you..."

Into the black bus I go, laughing and spinning saying Charli, Charli, Charli. So vivid that in that dream, I thought I would be saying it in real life. In fact I could feel myself saying it, down a black corridor as I 'exited' the dream. Suddenly a blue post-it flew by me. It said "WTF -in bold-" Then appearing on it as I looked at it was, "P & L." I nodded and for some reason said, "My year 5 teacher and Peter? I don't really undertand but I'll remember."On the card, as if responding to my words read: "Would you like to see your wedding photos next time?" I replied out loud, "Sure, maybe next time." Thinking that I would never have a significant dream like this again so I didn't need to worry.

I appear in a garden, I recognise it, but I don't know where. Definitely not any of my houses. Mum's there, she's about to leave I can tell. Her and Dad had rekindled something, but she couldn't stay like that as she knew it wouldn't work. I hugged her - pretty weird for my family because we don't like physical contact - and she said "I know, but you can't."

She started down the path and I yelled after her and gave her a longer, harder hug. I wondered if when she got married, she knew it wouldn't work the way she wanted. I wondered how wise or how young she was in the scheme of things.


I find myself in the hallway again, only not exiting, entering. There are other peple with me too, with their own post-it's that are flying in different directions. Someone says, "I guess I'm not finished.." As their love heart post-it flys down the corridor and they chase after it.

We open two blue and white metal doors into a arena, I guess you'd call it with a round blow up pool in the middle. The sides of this blow up pool are as big as me sitting down and the whole thing wide must be at least 30m diameter. I plop in first bouncing in my usual excited way to the front of a group of maybe 20 people. In the middle of the pool, suddenly a genie appears, yes not even joking a genie. He's cartoon and blue and fatter than aladin's but still he's a genie.
He says, "Well to the crappiest of crap rides here. They're going to close us down don't worry because you're our last group! First we're going on a log ride, with no tunnels! It's not fun." Everyone groans, but its only because we feel its expected. I got the feeling that everyone there was much more profound than they let on.

Fasika, a girl from highschool is sitting behind me. She turns to her left and whispers to herself, "Its you again!"
I look because I heard her whisper and to our left there's an older, bigger woman with short hair and glasses sitting cross legged in an orange sweater, outside of a lit classroom. She motions for Fas to come to her and I know its for Fasika and her story, but I do an unbelievably fake takein, as though I mistakened her for me. "Me?!" I motion back and start to crawl over to the woman as the genie continues to talk.

I look at my hands for a second and murmur, "It's my turn yet is it?"
And I look up, the old lady has turned to smoke and her orange sweater, glasses and short gray hair sit in a pile in front of the now unlit classroom. It wasn't mine to interupt Fasika's dream or whatever, and I sat against the edge of the blow up pool, away now and in the main focus of the group. The genie obviously had seen the whole occurance and said, "She just wants to find true love, but no one loves her or wants to tell her things. Its not her fault, maybe Charli just can't find love of a man.." The whole group laughed. It was in a mocking tone, the whole thing was a joke at me.

I felt horrible, on the blow up  material f the pool I kept re-writing the symbol 心 which means 'heart' in Chinese. It kept disappearing, every time I wrote it. The laughter of the group echoing and enclosing me, something put a headphone in my ear. It said, "Shhh."

And I swear I've never been so anticpative for a noise before.. The noise that played? My message tone. And I woke up at 1:27.

Who has messaged me?
Zam at 1:27. She said, "k i got credit. / omg i'm so excited !!"

I think my dream was trying to tell me I'm a lesbian.

Okay, I've got 10 minutes in counting to write this blog.

Atm, I'm studying for a Chinese written exam tomorrow. I haven't studied for the past 2 weeks, so it's definitely 100% my own fault if I fail.. or whatever. Clearly will not failure. Clearly, I'm actually so rad at Chinese. Wow.

I'm being mean to myself in how much I know and how much I don't, so that as I'm studying I delete things constantly that I do know. Aka I'll know a word, 90% correct. Its gone in with the words that I don't know at all. Therefore, after like an hour study clearly I will know that word 100%, so it'll get deleted and put with the words that I do know. It's a good system.

Also I've been drawing as a procrastination. I drew this real sick alien the other day, in car too form. Fuck it made me happy. I can't wait for exams to be over so I can literally spend my time doing shit like that.

I'm nervous as all shit about my 18th. What am I going to do for it? I wanted to be the kid that does everything weird, that has all the best stories that can say how perfect their life has been in every way. so my 18th is a massive amount of pressure ! Do I have a generic party at Damo's and get really drunk at a house? Do I do a dinner and make it hilarious by.. taking photos? Lol idk. I want the things I do to be hilarious. I want to be unlike every other person. I want to set a bar for the sickest shit ever to hit anything. I think I'll just do a dinner. I want Dad and Mum to put in for a new camera. That's pretty much all I need from them/family. That and a skateboard. I really fucking want a skateboard. I wanted one last year from my high as shit ex-boyfriend.

My other exams I'm pretty chilled about.. Idk why they are like 500% harder I'm pretty sure. Art history is going to be heccers, Like I don;t know anything and the question will just feel like I'm failing. I can't wait to do art history next semester though..

I CAN NOT WAIT TO WORK AT MK's STORE. Holy christ, will be so much fun ! I'll get an all new customer base. Fucking all new boy's to perve. I'm going to get a boyfi from that job for sure.

Oh yeah, so boyfi's right? Muz is adorable. Our little moment outside of my house will honestly never be forgotten because he's just the cutest thing I've ever met. I haven't seen him since then.. lol asks, but I haven't been out since then I'm pretty sure.

Timothy is a douche. Ugh, the story with the drinks just made me rage hard out and I just think we're going to have huge issues in the near future and late future. Will not ever love him / give him anything. I feel bad that he wants to hang all the time cause I'm seriously not going to give him anything. He doesn't even know me / my life / anything. Like I flirt with him, which I'm freaking rad at just ps.

Okay, time's up. Was good to chat, I'll keep you updated. x

Favourite tumblr post of today so far:

tattoos and shit

人生得意须尽欢

He's my husband and everyone better know it.

Important times

So I think this Diamond Jubilee thing is an important moment in my life. Aka, I don't know what it is, but it seems like it doesn't happen everyday. I have a feeling it has something to do with the Queen being 100..? Idk. Anyway, what to associate this event with:

It was the time that Dad got back from Europe, from visiting Sarah and living with Danny and Nicky.

It was while Sez was in Prague.

It was when I'm stressing about going to jail and going to the courthouse this week.

It was when Mum and I are not getting along and Madeline tells me nearly everyday to move out.

It was about the time that I kissed Jam in the rain.

It was the time I was meant to be studying for exams, but instead slept all day and night.

Times sucked pretty hardass in the Jubilee period, in other words.

:)

//cry.

I want E to be here. I just want to talk to him face to face, I want to see how he acts when I act pretty. And I want to lie next to him and do nothing. I want to meet these people he's talking about and go shopping and help him do his class prep. I want to punch him in the shoulder and make every face instantly. I want to get naked at night and joke with him. I want to actually laugh at his jokes instead of laughing too loudly just so the webcam can pick it up. I don't want to be on my bed, by myself, when the boy I'm going to marry is on the other side of the world wishing he was here. I only needed to be there for 2 weeks.. 1 day would've done it. I would've been right for a while. But I'm not right just yet. And I'm not going to be alright with just skype. I want him right now. And for a long time. Wah.

This song is getting me through, cause it's beautiful and doesn't remind me of him.

I've never felt so lonely.

I'm literally so angry, I'm crying.

adequate.

I had a really nice encounter today. I guy on the bus, did the smile exchange as random strangers and left the bus remaining as stranger.. But about 20m up Adelaide St this guy yelled out to me.
"Excuse me?"
..."Hey."
"I just wanted to tell you, I think you're really beautiful."
"... Oh wow, thankyou."
"Honestly, I think you're gorgeous. How's your day been so far?"
"Haha, um really good. I'm presenting a speech in like an hour about anthropology."
"Wow! Um, good luck. I'm Sean by the way."
"Charli."

A lingering handshake.

"I'll see round Sean... I ah, work at the bakery there in Bardon."
"Cool, see you round."

I walked off, got half way across the lights and thought I owed it to him to turn back around. As silently promised he was looking after me, and waved. I waved back with my hand tucked into the sleeve of my jumper.

It was just nice to be told that by a stranger. And to know that other people are in the world that think its acceptable to go up to people like that. I just like that feeling.

what i'm thinking about

So cheated on my facebook rule and I've already done nothing tonight.. Real cure there.

I've downloaded a bunch of Simple Plan. They're literally my childhood CD/I used to listen to number 2 - Welcome to my life and number 11 - Untitled (How could you do this to me?) like literally 6000 times each. I used to make the CD jump to just those 2 songs before I realised I loved every song. Aha.

I'm thinking about Ethan, which I probably shouldn't be. I'm obviously way past crying and all that jazz, I just wonder about certain moments, like why they happened. Once on schoolies I remember just crying at night. I'm wondering now if it was because I was so happy? Or so unhappy.. But I can't see why. I felt unhappy though. Eth was nice about it, all he wanted to know was what was wrong and all I said was, "Let's not have sex tonight." .. What was that about?

Then I also remember Eth getting a hard on one lunchtime and using it as a trick to give me a wedgie. I remember it though.. Maybe Eth was purely my first relationship, maybe I really didn't like him? I was never really comfortable around him tbh. I made shit normal because that's what I do, but was I ever actually comfortable? Was I actually just suffocating in a relationship that I knew should've been perfect, but for some reason wasn't? Such a strange 6 months of my life.

And I mean, it will always be remembered. The only things that you really remember in your life is:

Boyfriends
Education/Work
Travel

That's the things you tell people straight up. Therefore if you skip on any of those things you have less to say than other people, and you sound boring. Which is clearly my biggest fear. I really want this China trip to go ahead and I hate the thought that it might not..

I"M BUYING RODEO TICKETS IN THE MORN. THANK YOU JESUS <3

lol that moment you realise you're better than everyone.

the dreams of afternoon dozes.

You know how in dreams you don't know what order things are in, just that they all happened?

Well here's some things that happened in my dream this afternoon that I honestly didn't plan:

• A dimly lit classroom, with an oldschool blackboard on wheels, a quirky lady in front of it with ringlet curls tied back tight with a headband. We were listening to music and the funny lady at the front of the classroom said, "Find the beat to this song." Everyone started tapping on their chairs. That's when I realised I was sitting on floor, tapping a wooden table. I stood up to sink into a deep one person couch. It had arm-rests as big as my body! Suddenly a man came up to me, I said, "I don't think I take this class, I must be in the wrong room." He said, "You're in a dream, you can be in whatever classroom you want."
• Suddenly I was sexually attracted to him, but I still don't recognise him - meaning in present time I can see his face and don't recognise him. I went to meet him, feeling on top of everything as though I was allowed to do whatever I want and imagine anything and everything. I had to walk across this huge bridge with flowers and flowing water and arches. I felt like I'd created it our of nothing nearly.. As soon as I got to the other side of the bridge the man approached me and told me I could do anything. There were other people there, watching us but with approval of me. We kissed and he said, "I really don't want you. You need me." I said, "You're joking." But we both knew he wasn't. I went down to give him a gobby... I know, weird hey. But I don't remember actually doing it.
• Then I was reading a book in the back of the toyota we had when I was little. 595DPC was the number plate. Now every time I read something, it became real. I read the story that was unfolding and there was a twist coming, I could tell. I remember seeing a magic horse that was at the start, just waiting to come and become part of the twist. As though I was looking through to the future events because although I hadn't read the words yet, we could see more area than the book revealed. As though you saw a character that wasn't mentioned until Chapter 5.

It was amazing. And it all happened in nap after I'd just finished reading my Anthro book.

I finished my list sort of. Took me like 2 hours to organise my Art History shit. But its done now and I'm going to sleep to hit up my imagination again. Cheers g. x

Oh my lord.

Omg. The reason I faield my first assignment?! I didn't print out all the pages.. What the fuck. I'm so angry, wow. Whatta freak.

Raging again. Never letting this happen again.

A random day, but a list of things I'm going to do that day. Aka the day in question is tomorrow.

Order of actually completing the tasks, not preference, the next one can not be done until the one before it has finished. Cool?

Wake up/get up at 9am
Make breakfast, we have eggs and milk and cordial and nutella and bread. Do something with these things.
Tidy room - not desk. Just floor etc.
Read chapter 21 in Anthropology textbook.
Make and eat a sandwich. While doing static stretches.
Read again and take notes of key topics.
Listen to Art History recordings that were meant to be done last week.
Organise Art History Readings to start from reading one.
Print out all the follow up questions on the readings.
Heat up some leftovers / put wedges on.
Look over lessons 2-6 in Book2 of Chinese.
If tired, sleep.
If not? Write out the words you don't really remember with tones and meanings
Read the dialogues.
If tired, sleep.
If not? Probably sleep you'll be dying.

Good, now do it.

a weekend catchup and a philosophical bs

I told my mum I would've liked to have saved $2000 by July this year. It's now May, and I've got $2300. I want to go to China. I want to go there right now. Not even joking I could be there in 3 weeks and be nothing but legit blissful happy. I want to talk to E, it's been like a week and a bit and that's a week and a bit too long.

On a different note, you know when you're first day grade 8 and everyone's been telling you for your whole life that high school is the greatest years of your life and that once you're finished all you'll want to do is be back there? Well on that first day, all you want to do is remember everything that happens to you. You start a diary, you take 3000 photos, you make sure you remember faces and names and teachers. You are so keen to remember everything because its meant to be the greatest thing you've ever done.

I think I've changed my outlook on that recently. High school's not the best thing you've ever done.. It's actually too easy for our brains. So, lets say a teenage brain is capable of the mythical measurement of 100. High school challenges maybe to 50, which allows so much more time for fun and thinking. The reason you don't love university MORE than high school is because obviously it challenges to an 100 level. And although we've been capable since the teens, we're now not particularly prepared for an actual challenge. So I understand why high school was ridiculously fun and I can't say I'm not one to say Grade 12 was the greatest year of my life, but in hind sight, its a massive waste of time. Just imagine if you pushed the brain every step of the way instead of just half of the step.. We'd all be amazing.

Anyway, like in grade 8, I'm now feeling that I don't want to forget anything I've done in this first year of university.. I don't want to get caught up in it all and remember I did all these things, but I can't recall anything. This weekend was a pretty ordinary one, but not forgettable.

On Friday night I went to a gather at Kobi's - Clarke's exboyfriend. Hence Clarke didn't go, :S awks cause I lovee her. Dekkers flirted with me all night/texted retarded things afterward. So the actual usual there. Rosey bought me a 10pk and Bry didn't drink because she drove us home. Also on Friday afternoon I went to an afternoon tea at the primary school with AYCC. It was rad, made like $300 which is sweet as.

Saturday was full of Jodi Piccoult, from honestly 10am to 11pm/midnight when I should've been going to bed for work the next morning.. Sunday was work, then the family went round to Dad's place and honestly just talked for about 2 hours. I had to run home because at Dad's Damo gave me a random call and invited to Hogan's that night. Was rad, we got drunk and played poker. I doubled my money ! Which means I'm obviously going to be a ridiculously headstrong gambler in the future aha. Afterwards I was meant to drink wine with Rose and Bry at Bry's. But instead me and Bry ate chips and watched Spirited Away like twice before we passed out. Such a good weekend actually. Shit.

See, would've forgotten it ! ^^ omg such a good weekend.
Proud as shiz. Thankyou again blogger for making me feel like I have a sweet ass life. Cheers, Charles.

From who you are to what you do.

I'm reading a Jodi Piccoult, and if you don't already know her, she's one of those authors that jumps from person to person, from present to past fine tuning the stories to recount in order to display the exact character she wants the reader to understand. She goes on the theory that there's a few definite stories that make you who you are. Definite conversations that you remember and that shape you..

Whenever I read her for a long period of time, I feel like I want to know my stories that have shaped me. I want to know if you pick out of everything, thought and action, you could predict what I'm going to do tomorrow. You could write 1000 words about why I did exactly the things I did yesterday. You could trail off in thought about who I am..

I came on here to vent about who I am. To put some words in concrete (lol, the internet)... But instead I stumbled onto my old blogs, old boyfriends, younger thoughts. I've already set alot of my brain in concrete and I did it for this exact reason. That when I'm lost, I have to remember that the past barely helps me. It's about how you feel this minute, its about what you're thinking about RIGHT NOW. Not even an hour ago.

Rright now, I'm thinking about why Eamonn didn't pick up my skype call. I'm thinking about why I'm sort of glad that he didn't, in fear that we'd have a bad conversation. I'm really scared of losing everything that we have. Because we're both such unstable people, little things push us over the edge. I'm scared that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as I know I feel about him. But then I just think, I don't think I portray how strongly I feel about him, to him. I tell it to other people and clearly honestly think it to myself. So maybe he does that too.. I'm not sure. It's better when you don't think about it.

I'm upset that he didn't pick up because I really do have a lot to tell him.

I think I've sorted my life out a bit more than 3 days ago. I failed my first uni assignment.. And yeah, it freaked the fuck out of me. I got an OP6 without honestly trying.. But it's because I loved highschool and I had to do well. Obviously the subject I failed - Art History - I don't love. So I've got to rethink things, actually like what I'm doing and have a clear path on what I'm going to do.

Not an exact plan, because a bigger fear than having to live with Mum for the next 6 years is having a mundane life. I think about that a lot, just to remind myself that that is the only thing to avoid.

New plan is this: only take Chinese subjects next semester and get full time/ish work. Then next year, pick up Russian. Do your course in Russian, and Chinese as majors. Move to China, get better at Russian and Chinese, then teach it to either Chinese students or English students.. Or just teach a bunch of people a bunch of things. Get married have kids, lol whoop.

It's a big plan taking some actual initiative/not wasting anymore money would be nice.

It's Day 2 of no facebook.

How strange is it, that you think of one bad thing that happened in your day, and you can suddenly remember 50? It works with good things too.

The bad things that happened to me today:

Ethan rode past my shop and I got those chills that I used to get when Angus came in. But less severe.
I got my period unexpectedly.
I screwed up a healthy days eating.

Good things?
I saw KD. I saw hippies. I acted like a hippie again.
I showered !
I made myself a solid breakfast.
I called Holly !!
I cleaned my roomish.

I didn't go on fb.

It's been a productive day. Starting at 8:30 with Hol's call and ending legit right now at 11:30pm.
Solid effort Charles, xx

Ducks and their fucking.

y'all don't even know, how much its still the same. How, even on the other side of the world, he's mine.

We're so forever. Like, I've never met people like us. He's kinda funny, kinda good looking, kinda up himself, kinda sporty, kinda a good guy.. But nothing really. He's nothing honestly.

But if anyone else said that, I'd say:

Stfu. His dad loves me. We sing songs to start the conversation. I danced with him at formal. We've held hands while talking about our partners. I've told him everything. He wants to help me find a future. We've made every tf call in the book to Burnsy. We've traveled the world together. We get each other. He gets all of it.

I miss him so much. Fuck ducks.

I'm so happy right now.

It's 11pm and I said I'd be in bed by 9:30 so I could be up by 6am. Haha I have 2 assignments due next week to which I haven't started either.. But I'm so happy, that I actually just shed a tear.

I'm probably too happy. I want to forget about this tomorrow because being too happy is also a problem.

I'm just going to say this:

E said he's going to marry me. Called me his wife tonight. I don't care if he hooks up with a million girls and has sex with 5.. 6 and that's pushing it. Haha, but we're a thing. Fuck we're so forever. Like I haven't found a quote yet that describes us because.. We do fight. We do go through times of unbelievable sexual tension in which nothing is done. We have sex sometimes. We don't talk about liking/loving each other above family level. We openly say and know we're going to get married and have kids together. We tell each other about every experience with the other sex. We don't get jealous. We always hate each others gf/bf. We know every secret. We've cried together. We've grown up together. We haven't talked for months at a time. We don't live in the same place. We hold hands. We could spend 3 weeks in each others pockets and yet in the 70 minutes of Chinese I've punched him before. I don't know / haven't heard / haven't thought about anything even remarkably close to us.

That's the way I like it. And its the reason I like it. We're just us. Even those words are wrong ^. It's a feeling. It's just like, happiness you know?

No, you don't know. Fuck off, no one knows us because we're too epic whilst together.

He's mine. x

Remember this.

You're drunk and its 8:11am on a Saturday.

You're listening to "She will be loved" by Maroon 5.

You're not crying, you're not upset with anything. You've just had a great night actually.

You're chest hurts though, from the longing that you can't hug him.

You're only thinking about that moment that he comes home and your life will be absolutely complete for even just one second.

You're so grateful that you have him.

You miss him so much.

You know its real love.

..

This feeling can't be forgotten, because I want to be as happy as I look in my head when he comes home, one whole year from now.

I had a really nice day today. Was so ridiculously hung over this morning / still drunk at work at 8am. Significant conversation:

Ken: Really Charli did you get any sleep last night?

Me: I'm just so sad. I'm never fucking sad and right now.. It's weird.

Ken: *a bit taken back* the alcohol?

Me: I don't know man, but it sucks hard arse.

Do you think alcohol can make you sad? Like I was so so so sad this morning. And then I had a coffee and I felt hyper, but also happy again. Like normal.. It was stranger than anything.

Tahnee's was so fun. So so fun. I love her friends / her. Sug's sucked. Eth sucks. Everyone sucks in those groups. I want a new boyfi right now. Muzz is adores, we spoke for ages tonight <3. Preeee cute.

I looked really good last night though. Like actually beautiful, it was weird. Tanned as fudge atm too. Just a really good day to start the week I think. :)

Scattered as fuck, Charles.

My life for the past 2 weeks.

I've started university.

My first lecture I had to sit on the floor and made friends with an amazing voiced American girl. My 2nd there was a flash mob and I felt ridiculously comfortable sitting by myself and taking my own notes. I was late to Art History but fell madly in love with a piece called "The Third of May". Ironic that it was also my 3rd class. And my final subject, Chinese Written, I absolutely bossed. I didn't really not know anything because I actually was deeply in love with the work at highschool. No matter how much I cheated in exams.

I'm planting seeds.
Muzz is a buff buff man. So ridiculously buff, like wow. At first he was plain. Really into TV shows and the disney channel. Eats maccas twice a week and didn't have a job. But I kept talking and he.. He has a 4 year old brother and is weirdly family orientated. He loves food and understands childhood better than anyone I know. Talking to him is like talking to my sister, but still getting to know how they work. We've only been chatting for the past 2 weeks, but we've been friends since Grade 11 camp. He says I'm lovely :).

Tomtom Sammidy Sam is a 19 year old nerd I met at the World's Biggest Toga Party. We kissed that night, but he's made no suggestion in meeting again. Occasionally we text for the whole day, but he doesn't know any of my friends by name / neither do I him. Its like a classical friendship. Where we'll never meet again / remember what he looks like but we're friends? It's weird atm.

Zachary moved to Perth. :(.

My gurls be like:

Tahn is the first customer from work I've had lunch with. Also the first open lesbian I've met and talked sex with. Hahaha I'm not planting a seed with her, but I'm going to her 18th this weekend. Nerds are so much fun to hang with !


Holly came down from Tville. Still a complete retard, still got no idea about money or responsibility.. But she's the freshest piece of life to come in and out of my life. Fuwwark she's the funnest and most interesting person I could ever chill with. Ever ever. I don't want her to grow up everrr. I even hate how she's stopped wearing snapbacks, cause that was part of her bossing outlook on life. There's love with her. ♥


I'm just chilling, nakies talking to boys and eating nutella on toast.
- Charles.

ponders

Isn't it funny how time passes?

Sometimes, it can pass all in your mind. That's one of those times when it feels like you're doing things, like you're being productive, but because thoughts don't finish things.. Nothing is actually getting done. Is this time wasted?

Sometimes, aka sleeping, it passes with just consciousness. There's nothing behind the eyes just pure existence. Waste?

Is there such thing as wasting time? Its scary to think there is.. I've got this experiment/line of thought where you don't bring a watch anywhere. You don't bring a phone or an ipod or a watch. I'm going to do it in China purely because that's the only place I can see it happening. It's unpractical, but yet so practical. It means no time frames, no pressures.. Nothing that needs doing, just existence.

Thoughts like this make life interesting as fuck.
Charles

Progress step 1.

haha, shaved my legs for the first time since the incident. weeeooooo good day !!

I legitimately look like this:

right..? lol no; wrong retard.

Yeah so I was wrong about him. I was wrong in every way. That's why it hurts so much..

All our photos together, all our "funny" times. He just loved being with a hot chick. I was hot. I am hot. I mean, people want to be with me for no reason. Because I'm hot and fun and I make everyone look good.
For him, I'm the best person on his record by far.. And I'm now the dumb slut that just cheated on him.

But like, I'm destined for such a bigger better world. I love the world and everything in it. I love people and art and music and life. I'm interested in everything and I mean truly interested. I waste time with everyone because I honestly think everyone is interesting.. Eth though, he doesn't think about anything. I thought he was interesting, I thought he was MORE than interesting, but in actual fact that's just me playing on me.

I've never really liked someone and had a thing with them.. Eth was my first. My first to stay after one night, the first to want my high status and looks, the first to lie blankly to my face and say I was funny / cool / interesting. He told the truth when he said I was hot / beautiful / pretty. Those were the truth. Because that's why he was with me. It breaks me to realise, but I definitely realise.

Awesome. Moving on time please. I'm going to do so much more with my life, like wow.

a day in progress.

Ethan talked to me today. Holy mother ! That's the greatest thing I could have asked for.. right?

He asked about my weekend, told me about his.. I told him about a cool ipod game I'm in love with lately and he said he honestly didn't care.

Some things he says makes it out that he's still really angry. That he's actually talking to me out of spite and at any moment he'll just crack and block me on facebook. Cutting off my one way to talk to him ever.. That'd break me, but it'd probably help in the long run. In my head he's only acting like this because of everything that's happened.. but irl, he always acts like this.

It was only a matter of time before we broke up. I mean, I'm going to uni and I'm such a fun person. Legit I'm in my prime of adorability. I shouldn't be looking back on him. I should be just pretending that I'm single again.. as though I've always been single. Pretend the whole thing was just another year of life. It's harder than usual though. Like an actual part of me has died? Like a void in my chest is gaping and pushing air out of my lungs too quickly.

I thought it would last longer.
I thought we'd just grow apart in the end.
I thought we'd get married.

I thought we were a 'we' forever at least.

Now It's a me. And a him. And we're dealing with things so epically different.
I wonder what he's thinking about a lot.. I wonder if he thinks about it as much as I do. If he goes to my profile for no reason like I do to his. I wonder if he notices that I've changed my display picture to that picture he loves, or if he's read my statuses about how much my life has sucked lately. I wonder if he gets it, at all. If he's been going over and over our conversations. If he wishes he could see me. If he knows that I imagine the first time I see him and I just cry. I don't say words, I just cry. I wonder if he knows any of that.. Or if he is doing something else..

My worst thought is if he's sitting in bed, thinking about how much he hates me. How much better off he is without me. How there are a billion girls that would happily take him but he loved me.. I wonder if he's angry at himself for falling for me. For wasting his time. Do you think he gets angrier that I keep talking to him? Or does it make him ridiculously happy like it does for me?

I wish I knew.

I wish I could've asked him even when we were together. But I couldn't of.. Maybe there is no depth to this guy. Maybe he doesn't think about everything the way I do. Maybe he doesn't want to talk, because talking bores him. But what does he expect me to do?! What am I doing?!

I think I'm angry at myself for getting caught. For how it all went down.. Not actually for doing it. I'm the worse person in the world. Life still sucks.

And it's been 2 and a half weeks.

Remember Mt Isa? Everyday I would say.. okay don't talk to Ethan. Just like, don't do it. How hard can it be?

Loool, didn't even go one day. Now here I am, fucking pouring my heart out again and again.. and he's legit jsut ignoring. He's not blocking me, so its not annoying him. He's not saying anything ! It's legit frustrating that he can just do that, and me, who have always wanted to just fucking not give any fucks.. can't do shit but keep going abck to him. Wow I suck at life.

//rant.

laughter is the best medicine.

The green side fucker.

Last night was the first night I haven't cried ! I'm so excited to say I'm moving on.. I know that sucks, but it sucks. Life sucks, always does. I just need to smile it off, need to actually feel it lifting.. You know? I can be productive now I know that its lifting.. The heavy as fuck feeling I first had. The constant replay of moments, good and bad. It was shit, but now its better. And that slither of bright hope has given me all I need.

I'm a 7. I know what's fucking up. :).

So no one mentioned this..

Like step 4 of a break up is to move on.. WHY THE FUCK HAVE I NEVER READ THROUGH E'S AND MY CONVERSATIONS?!

Eamonn is my husband. As if I wouldn't read through that shit to make myself feel better.. HE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. And that shits not in my head. Holy fuck.. I didn't make a mistake by kissing him.. I made a mistake by dating Ethan. What the fuck am I doing?! Thank fuck Eth found out. Makes it easier for later. E's my boiiii <3

lil' E.

I talked to E tonight. And holy wow, I do love him at the moment. You know what's helping me get over Ethan? Thinking about worse things that could happen.. Like if E hated me. I'd die. If Eamonn hated me, it'd be like going through a divorce. It'd never be okay. If I don't get married with E.. Or at least introduce him to my kids, if my kids aren't his kids.

Its stupid to think like that ^^ because like Zachary used to say way back when Eth and I were celebrating our 1 month lol.
Z: "Charli, you know you're going to date so many more boys than just Ethan. You're going to meet a million people and probably love half of them.. Who even knows? We might.."
C: "Zac I think we're going to date. Of course, you're ridiculously attractive."
:). He was real cool. I'm always going to wonder about him.. So intelligent, but so misled? I liked him a lot.

But yeah, E's in China. Living life it feels like.. I can't wait to be there with him. I legit nearly booked flights tonight. I could go without food and clothes if it meant I could see him in July. There is real love with us. Maybe its because it's been there for so long.. 3 years kicking now. And I'm still his girl? Like how'd I pull that shit off?

How have I been to his house a million times and only kissed him twice? How have I been invited into the city group and not thought it was weird? Like how did I accept that first time?! Srsly. That's fucked. How have we been together without ever getting together? Why do I miss him so much?

I know I was definitely the one that started saying we were best friends. I was the one that confessed and confided so many things to him. I'm also the one that laughed harder than anyone else at his jokes. I was the one that kept them going too and remembered them. I was the one that kept saying that we know each other so well, even if maybe at that moment we didn't know shit. I was the one that kept us solid metaphorically and therefore literally. And he's the one that's been the most loyal person since forever. He's the one that's forgiven me for paying him out or punching him or cock blocking. He's the one that goes with me when I just babble about legit shit. He was the one I could cry in front of on the last Thursday of school. He's the one that understands my love for China.

I've opened up to him more than anyone, ever. And I mean ever.

Maybe I just really miss him? Probs. He's the greatest guy everevereverever.

vent yo /

I don't think I've found the perfect person. I tell him things like.. I'm not letting go. I be an arsehole and say I can't believe he did let go. You know what's the hardest about this break up? I'm not used to people not liking me. I'm used to them wanting more than anything to have me. Ethan was never like that. Obviously why I was attracted to him.

An Italian asked me out today on a napkin. It was sweet, seriously was. But I can't look at other guys yet. Or can I? Can I just say a massive fuck you to Ethan for letting me go? <--- that's just so mean because I was the one that screwed up. Idk what to do. / how to proceed.

Eth talked to me yesterday for once. I told him that I can't believe he's letting it end. And that obviously I felt so much more for him than he did for me. Which I already thought. Already knew. But at the same time when he'd say ily, it was like he'd never said something so strong before. I had though. And I knew that when I said it, like I could cry. I was so emotionally connected to him, just saying i love you was like overwhelming. Shit it was bad. I was so whipped. And the worst part?! The fucking worst part... I think half of it's in my head. I think probably 70% of it is in my head. If I was look objectively, Eth is not the person for me. Like obviously !

At school it was so obvious.. Realife it's so obvious.

ps, i almost typed this to him:

eth, i have a feeling you're going to delete me or something and dude fair enough. i feel really shit. i've been the honest shittest person.. and you've been nothing but solid. i can't even say i'm sorry enough times. but i'm sorry you found out like that and i wasn't who you thought i was. i was going to break up with you anyway, because you deserve way better, clears.

i feel like we already broke up in mt isa. like we didn't talk, ever. and you ignored pretty much every thing i said to you and like, i forgot what it was like to really really love you. oh man, i cried so much over you not being there hey.. and then like you wouldn't even talk to me, it's like you didn't even miss me. sorry, its the shittest thing ever and like thank you for breaking up with me because i deserve nothing other than this like ridiculously shit feeling.

i'm going to miss you. like the friendship you know?eth, i have a feeling you're going to delete me or something and dude fair enough. i feel really shit. i've been the honest shittest person.. and you've been nothing but solid. i can't even say i'm sorry enough times. but i'm sorry you found out like that and i wasn't who you thought i was. i was going to break up with you anyway, because you deserve way better, clears.

i feel like we already broke up in mt isa. like we didn't talk, ever. and you ignored pretty much every thing i said to you and like, i forgot what it was like to really really love you. oh man, i cried so much over you not being there hey.. and then like you wouldn't even talk to me, it's like you didn't even miss me. sorry, its the shittest thing ever and like thank you for breaking up with me because i deserve nothing other than this like ridiculously shit feeling.

i'm going to miss you. like the friendship you know?

wot.

okay i've got 25 minutes to tell you how i feel.

i don't think this feeling can ever be remembered, so like the purpose of even putting this shit into words is a little redundant. but whatever.

Ethan just broke up with me. And I'm happy. I'm happy that he had the balls to do it.  / I'm sad that Ethan COULD just break up with me. Because he found out I cheated on him through my phone. He's sitting next to me, loving me. And he just picks up my phone to a big message being like: your girlfriend is cheating on you. awkward. He must feel ridiculously hurt. I can't even imagine that shit. But here's why I did it.

When I was away, Ethan didn't talk to me. Eth didn't write cute letters, he didn't get a phone so I could text him cute things, we didn't fucking talk. And like cool that we aren't all: "how was your day? what'd you have for breakfast?" sort of people, but still I needed something to say I was with a great guy. Cause eventually, I stopped thinking he was a great guy. I stopped trying to talk to him, stopped telling him things I think he'd appreciate. Stopped being like, I have a boyfriend and starting saying things like: "we're going to break up with I go back." I slept with a black guy. I slept with my best friend. Clearly I didn't love Eth anymore. I just felt too shit to tell him that way. I felt to shit to be like, ps we're breaking up because I've already gone through the breakup. I knew what I was doing the whole time. And at the same time.. I think he should be the one trying to get me back? wtf is wrong with me.

He should feel bad that he didn't treat me properly. He should understand that I clearly can't love someone that gives me nothing to work with. I wish HE could see how much pain I've already been in and how much more this shit is putting me through. I wish he could see it all. But I know that all he sees is a shitty bitch that threw him around. It's just cause I wasn't open about it. It's just because I didn't tell him how I felt the whole time.. Still I thought he thought I was different. I thought he thought that I was the one person that was worth everything. I can't believe he could jsut stop it without like.. talking?

Idk I feel fucking weird. Like sad and happy at the same time. Like absolutely dog, but in the right? Like I should say something, but making any thing of this would be worse the people involved.

As though.. the obviously conclusion of this post is the end of everything I ever want to say about it. I've already like rebounded and moved on.. but he's just breaking up with me now. Maybe I'm just okay with it all and that's why I feel so bad. Idefk.

I saw this coming, obviously so much more than he did. obviously. But yet I still feel shit. Really shit. I still feel like legit shit on a stick. I think I feel like that because I'm scared of what people are going to think of me.